


Catch My Breath

by MyHeartCanDream



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/M, timebabies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-25
Updated: 2013-07-19
Packaged: 2017-12-06 10:50:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 24,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/734830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyHeartCanDream/pseuds/MyHeartCanDream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I smiled into his kiss and clung to him as tight as I could, still not daring to hope this was more than just a dream.<br/>But he smelled so real! And he tasted just the way I remembered.<br/>I broke away first and took in a deep gulp of air. "What have you done this time, you idiot?" I asked, curious as to how he'd managed to get me out of the Library's data core.<br/>"I think we should have a baby."<br/>I choked and my eyes flew open wide. "Sorry?""</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Hello, sweetie."  


He turned to me and grinned through his tears. "River! Oh, thank God you're okay! I've missed you so much--"  


I smiled into his kiss and clung to him as tight as I could, still not daring to hope this was more than just a dream.  


But he smelled so real! And he tasted just the way I remembered.  


I broke away first and took in a deep gulp of air. "What have you done this time, you idiot?" I asked, curious as to how he'd managed to get me out of the Library's data core.  


"I think we should have a baby."  


I choked and my eyes flew open wide. "Sorry?"  


He pulled me over to the couch and sat me down, ignoring the TARDIS as she flew us into the vortex.  


"Hear me out," he pleaded, taking both of my hands and kissing each palm, "We're linear. For the first time--for the rest of time.  _I love you._ Have a family with me, River."  


My mouth hung open against my will. What the hell kind of greeting was this? Hey, River, I got you out of a computer you've been trapped in for an unknown amount of time--Spread those legs, I want you to be my baby mama.  


"Can we just--Hang on, sweetie--A baby? That's a  _big_  decision. One that's going to take some serious discussion."  


His face fell and my hearts cried out.  


"You don't want a baby?"  


I sighed and lifting his chin until his eyes met mine. "Of course I want to have a family with you, my love," I said, "But I've just been pulled from a computer hard drive. We can't just head upstairs and--"  


The sorrow in his eyes cut deep into me and my eyes began to fill with tears.  


I hesitated, unsure how to voice to my insecurities, "It's just--You're a Timelord, Doctor. I'm only HumanPlus. It may make me more Time Lady than anyone left in this universe, but  _what if it isn't enough_."  


He relaxed and pulled me into his chest.  


"River, we can do this. I have it on very good authority that it is more than enough."  


I looked up and raised an eyebrow. His eyes told me he was telling the truth.  


"Alright, then. But you have to promise not to jump me in a dark corner of the TARDIS until we're  _both_  ready." I said, still not sure what having a baby with him would require. For all I knew, it could be a five year long pregnancy and then the baby could be born out of my ear or some other absurd place.  


When this happened, I was going to be ready for it.  


"I promise."

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This fic is in response to a prompt a friend sent me: “I want another first person fic: River post-library trying to get the Doctor to understand that it’s possible to save her without giving away spoilers. And I want timebabies and Kovarian and Clara and a unicorn named Gerald. (Okay the unicorn is optional but highly recommended.)”
> 
> Thank you thank you to my 3 volunteer betas—Samantha, Jess, and Rikkie. You saved my hot ass and I love you for that. *wink*
> 
> Apologies: for the bits I wrote while heavily medicated--which is honestly most of it...Some parts show it more than others. You’ll be able to pick them out, I guarantee it. And also I don’t usually write in first person…so sorry about that too…

"Doctor?" I called as I pulled dinner out of the oven and began to set our places, "Dinner's ready, darling."  


He came in just as I was dishing some vegetables onto each plate.  


"Vegetables?" he asked with a disgusted face. I rolled my eyes and allowed him a swift peck on the cheek before taking my seat next to him.  


"I thought I would try an experiment." I said casually as I took a bite of green beans, "I do believe I'm going to go down in the books for this."  


He moved all the greens to the furthest corner of his plate and began to eat the casserole instead. "Oh?"  


I smiled and set down my glass of water. "If you eat all your vegetables, I'll give you a prize."  


He gaff-awed and rolled his eyes. "That would have to be quite the prize, River. Vegetables are _evil_."  


I laughed and shook my head. "They're really not, my love. They're very good for you."  


"Point exactly." he said through a mouth-full of food.  


"So you don't even want to know what I was going to give you? Pity." I resumed eating while he tried to resist his curiosity.  


"What would my prize be?" he blurted finally, ignoring the rest of his food and turning all his attention on me.  


I took my time chewing and swallowing, then took a sip of my water and turned to him.  


"Thought you might like a baby, is all. But seeing as vegetables are--"  


His plate clattered loudly against the counter in his haste to shovel in every last vegetable in sight. I began to laugh. He was so adorably ridiculous.  


The last green bean slipped between his lips and he tried not to pull a face as he chewed them all up and swallowed. He shuttered and then opened his mouth wide and wiggled his tongue around to show me how well he'd done.  


"It's so cute when you prove me right, darling." I cooed, tapping his nose lovingly the way he did mine, "I guess it's time then."  


He giggled and clapped his hands excitedly before making a grab for me.  


I rolled my eyes and held up a hand between us.  


"After dinner, sweetie. _After_ dinner."


	3. Chapter 3

 

"That was easy."  


 

I snorted and slapped his chest with the back of my hand. "Don't get a big head, darling."  


 

He took one last look at the pregnancy test and tossed it in the bin.  


 

"So--," he said casually, plopping back down on the bed next to me and pulling me into his chest, "A baby for the Doctor and River Song?"  


 

I smiled and kissed his cheek. "The universe better start praying." I joked, "A toddler with a time machine? A _teenager_ with a time machine?"  


 

He feigned shock and covered my mouth with his hand. "River! I can't believe you would even suggest that our child would ever do anything to--"  


 

"--to take after their father?"  


 

He glared and I laughed and rolled my eyes. "Don't pretend it's not true, sweetie."  


 

I pulled out of his arms and curled up under the duvet.  


 

"Tired?" he asked, brushing a curl from my forehead.  


 

"Yeah," I sighed, "And a bit sick. Can I take a rain-check on dinner out tonight?"  


 

He knit his eyebrows together and pressed a hand to my forehead.  


 

"Doctor, I don't have a fever. It's just morning sickness."  


 

He glanced at his watch and frowned. "But it can't be. It isn't morning, River."  


 

I smiled. "You're an idiot, bless."  


 

He looked offended and opened his mouth to say something, then changed his mind and kissed my head.  


 

"I'll just be in the console room if you need me, my love. Give a shout and I'll come running."  


 

"Don't go fiddling with the console, Doctor. She doesn't need fixed and she only gets cross when you try."  


 

He rolled his eyes as he headed for the door. "Yes, dear."  


 

I yawned and relaxed into the pillows. The last thing I remember was his quiet whisper from across the room.  


 

"I love you-- _so much._ "


	4. Chapter 4

"Okay. I get the bits that are the same as a human pregnancy--Explain to me exactly what's _different_."  


 

I finished folding the towel in my hands and set it atop the pile.  


 

"Well, it's shorter, for one. About half the time, in fact."  


 

He clapped his hands and grinned. "Oh, good! Soon, then?"  


 

I smiled and grabbed one of his clean shirts to hang. "Soon _er_. Not too soon, though, darling."  


 

"When?" he asked, nearly knocking over our piles of folded laundry.  


 

"Four months from now? Give or take."  


 

" _Four?!_ '" he cried, leaping to his feet, "But we haven't got any supplies! We have to--"  


 

"Doctor, calm down." I said firmly, pointing at his unfinished pile of clothes, "We have plenty of time yet, darling."  


 

"But we-- _you_ don't! You have to go and--But now it all makes sense. _Brilliant!!!_ "  


 

I sighed and hung the last of his shirts up before bothering to ask where exactly I had to go. I'd only just gotten back from Utah last week, and then Manhattan a few days ago and I still had a book to write in the midst of all the preparing.  


 

"Another trip?" I asked as I collapsed onto the couch, content to be left alone to sleep for the remainder of the week.  


 

"Yes," he said apologetically, abandoning his chore to come sit with me, "but this is a little bit different. It's a trip to see me."

 

"What?"

 

"Well," he said, rubbing my feet in his strong hands and sending zings of pleasure up my spine, "remember when I told you I had it on good authority we could have a baby?"  


 

I nodded and closed my eyes sleepily as I listened.  


 

"You were that authority, River. You showed up on the TARDIS one day when I was brooding over your parents and wanted to talk."  


 

I scrunched my nose skeptically. "I came to tell you I was pregnant?"  


 

"Well, no. You had a list and I--figured it out on my own."  


 

"Oh."  


 

I felt him tense up and opened my eyes to see him struggling with something.  


 

"Sweetie?"  


 

He pursed his lips and looked at his feet.  


 

"I'm sorry in advance."  


 

My hearts sank. This wasn't going to be a fun trip.  


 

"I forgive you. Always and completely, my love."


	5. Chapter 5

My vortex manipulator was set and on my wrist as the Doctor pulled me in for one final kiss.  


 

"Behave yourself," he insisted, "This version of me doesn't know you're post-Library."  


 

I swallowed my emotions and put on a smile.  


 

"Is there anything else I should know? I don't want to stay too long, darling. I'd much rather get it over with and come back to you."  


 

He looked away and I lost all hope of seeing him soon.  


 

"You stayed with me for a few weeks, then you disappeared without a word. That's when I got reckless and came to get you from the data core." he admitted.  


 

"I'm sorry I left like that," I said with a kiss, "It will only be to come back to you. In any case, a few weeks will give me enough time to finish that book. Promise me you'll take me to send it off when I come back." I insisted.

 

He nodded and glanced at the console.

 

"Time to go?" I asked. He nodded again and slid a hand over my stomach.  


 

" _Be careful._ I love you."  


 

I smiled. "I love you, too."

 

xxx

 

I wasn't expecting to land in the middle of a flight.

 

I caught myself on the console and fought the urge to be sick as I gathered my barrings and took a step toward the stabilizers.  


 

"River?"  


 

"Hello, sweetie." I managed through my teeth as my palm pressed down on a bright blue knob and the console room steadied.  


 

"You ruined it!" he cried, "Now it's just boring, isn't it."  


 

I rolled my eyes and took several quiet, deep breaths.  


 

He crossed his arms and threw himself on the sofa, mumbling something about stabilizers being rubbish. I sat down next to him and put my feet in his lap, willing my shaking hands not to give me away.  


 

"What are you here for this time?"  


 

I raised an eyebrow and shot him a look.  


 

"So now I need a reason to be with my husband?"  


 

He spluttered and began back peddling in his usual adorable fashion.  


 

It was so endearing to see him try and dig himself out of the large hole he'd managed to throw himself into less than two minutes after my arrival. Still, I wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. No time like the present.

 

I pulled out my list and waited for him to realize I wasn't aiming a gun at him.

 

"--I love it when you're here, River," he said quietly, his fingers dancing across my ankles, "You just caught me on a hard day."

 

"Because you're still pouting." I said, pulling my feet away in an effort to stop the heat pooling in my belly--God that man could do things to me, "You've really got to stay focused, sweetie. The universe needs you-- _I need you_."

 

He nodded apologetically and smiled at me. "What trouble have you got for me this time?"

 

_A lot more trouble than you think..._   


 

"Actually, I was hoping we could talk--"

 

He glanced at me warily. "What about?"

 

I grinned and held up my list. "These things--well, some of them at least. I don't know where you are exactly so a few of them could be small spoilers."

 

He snatched the paper away and read them all aloud.

 

"What does number four mean? 'Pick out names'. Is that some sort of game?"  


 

I shifted nervously, but he didn't wait for an answer before he went on rambling. I relaxed a little and draped an arm over my stomach--I didn't write it to be obvious. If he was going to figure it out, he would have to pay close attention to the wording. Whether or not he realized what I needed to talk to him about, it would be fine with me.  


 

"--don't understand why you'd ever want to talk about--- _Oh my god_." _  
_

_And the penny drops..._   


 

I kept my eyes closed and face neutral, but inside I wanted to explode.  


 

"River, are you pregnant?"  


 

The squeak in his voice broke my concentration and I let out a soft snort, eyes still shut, struggling to regain control.  


 

His hand grabbed my wrist tightly and he yanked me up painfully.  


 

I gasped and my eyes shot open. I struggled to pull my hand away from him but he only held tighter.  


 

"Stop it, Doctor." I managed before the pain pooled tears in my eyes. He realized he was hurting me and let go immediately.  


 

"I'm sorry, River--I--I don't know what--I--"  


 

He didn't need to apologize. I knew what had set him off. He didn't know I'd already been to the Library--the very idea of adding a child into the situation terrified him.  


 

I swallowed my emotions and kissed him softly, not trusting my voice to convey my forgiveness.  


 

He broke away after a few glorious seconds and fixed me with a firm stare.  


 

"You didn't answer me."  


 

I sighed and brought his hand to my lips.  


 

"Did I have to?"  


 

His eyes darkened and I recognized the familiar sadness and pain for what happened to me at the Library.  


 

"It's yours, if that's what you're worried about." I quipped, trying to lighten his mood, "And the decision was ours alone--together, my love. _Oh, but it was a fun night._ "  


 

He ignored me and fear tightened in my chest.  


 

"Doctor, I know you're not going to believe me right now, but I swear to you everything is going to be okay." I whispered, still holding tightly to his hand. It wouldn't comfort him--in fact I suspected it would make him hurt worse--but I needed him to know somehow without properly telling him any spoilers.  


 

He pulled away and stood. I couldn't tell if he was more furious or thrilled.  


 

In any case, he was not reacting the way I imagined. I felt my head spinning and my stomach churn and stood slowly, intending to give him a goodnight peck and proceed to the nearest toilet.  


 

I had almost reached him when he turned around suddenly and pulled me into his chest, nuzzling his face in the crook of my neck. I relaxed into his arms, thankful he was supporting most of my weight so I could focus on keeping my lunch in my stomach. Tears tickled my collar bone as he began to cry. I shushed him softly and threaded my fingers into his hair.

 

"Hush, my love," I whispered softly as I pressed a kiss behind his ear, "it's going to be alright."  


 

He cried softly for another minute as he held me, then I heard his muffled voice say something.  


 

"Hmm?" I asked, lifting his head.  


 

"Stay with me." he said, his voice steady, but his eyes pleading.  


 

I smiled and kissed him. "Only for a few nights."  


 

He wiped the tears from his eyes and grinned back.  


 

"I love you, River Song."


	6. Chapter 6

We went to bed earlier than usual on account of my exhaustion.  


 

"You don't have to come to bed now, sweetie." I tried as I slipped my shirt over my head and tossed it in the hamper, "I know you've got a lot on your mind."  


 

He sighed and began unbuttoning his shirt. "I want to be with you. You aren't feeling well and I want to take care of you."  


 

I gave him a sympathetic smile and kissed him. "I love you."  


 

He smiled and abandoned his buttons to slide his hands to my hips and pull me closer.  


 

"You're having a baby." he stated stupidly.  


 

I laughed and shook my head as I pulled away and slipped under the duvet.  


 

"No, my love. _We_ are having a baby."

 

xxx

 

I woke at 4:20am on the dot. It was a ritual I'd had a hard time getting used to at first, but I hadn't figured out a way to cure my morning sickness yet and there was never any time to argue.  


 

I slipped out of bed quietly so as not to wake the Doctor, and barely made it to our bathroom before the remains of last nights dinner forced their way upwards. I sat back on the edge of the tub and let out a soft, shaky groan as my stomach continued its acrobatics.  


 

It wasn't something I liked, by any means--but it was one of the only things that kept my being pregnant a reality in my mind. As long as I was vomiting, the baby was alive and well.  


 

"River?"  


 

I looked up. The Doctor was standing in the doorway rubbing the sleep from his eyes.  


 

"Go back to bed, my love." I whispered, "I'll be there in a bit."  


 

He didn't listen. I sunk into his shoulder as he sat next to me and let myself relax.  


 

"Are you alright?"  


 

I nodded, but even as I did, I could feel my stomach clench and pulled away to be sick in the toilet again. He didn't move until I did. My breath was shaky as I sat back and buried my hands in my hair.  


 

His hand on my back was hesitant at first, but he pulled me back into his chest and held me tightly.  


 

"How long have you been in here?" he asked quietly after a few minutes.  


 

"Not long. You should go back to sleep, my love. I'm sorry I woke you."  


 

He made a noise and pulled my chin up. "I'm not leaving you. Not for one second."  


 

I laughed and kissed his cheek. "You're no use to me when you're tired, sweetie. I promise I'll be fine."  


 

He looked offended and probably would have continued arguing if I hadn't stood and walked back into the bedroom without him. He followed quickly and helped me into bed.  


 

" _Go to sleep_ , Doctor." I insisted, pulling him into bed next to me.  


 

He draped an arm around my waist and sighed. Then I heard one of the most beautiful sounds in existence.  


 

The songs of Gallifrey.  


_"You first, my love."_ he whispered between lines--his fingers brushing over my skin lightly as he rehearsed the songs of his people.  


 

I didn't want to close my eyes. I wanted to lie awake and listen to him--but I soon found myself drifting and gave in to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

"What sort of adventure are we going on today?"  


 

He shot me a look of disbelief and I rolled my eyes.  


 

"Seriously? You're going to deny me an adventure just because--"  


 

"Yes! I can't take you _anywhere_. Everywhere is too dangerous--I have to keep you and the baby safe--It's the rules."  


 

I crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow. "Who's rules? Surely not yours."  


 

He glared at my sarcasm and ignored me.  


 

"I want to know where you are." I said, taking a seat on the sofa, "You never said."  


 

"I'll grab the diaries then, shall I?"  


 

I shook my head. "Don't need them. I'm well ahead of you. Our diaries are full and tucked away safely in the future. Just--where are you?"  


 

He looked shocked that we would ever not use our diaries. I kicked myself mentally. Maybe I'd said too much.  


 

"Finished Manhattan three weeks ago." he said, his tone sad.  


 

I was surprised. "Really? It's been two weeks ago for me."  


 

I clamped a hand over my mouth and cursed the absence of a filter.  


 

"What did you say?" he asked, coming over to me.  


 

I swallowed. "Nothing, sweetie." I said quickly, but he was already taking it in.  


 

"You did Manhattan two weeks ago?"  


 

I nodded and pretended not to care that he was upset. All I wanted was for him to know--to understand that the trust between us was unbreakable.  


 

"But that was dangerous, River! Extremely dangerous!! The baby--"  


 

"Yes, exactly, sweetie-- _the baby_ ," I interrupted, slight desperation leaking through in my words as I pulled him down to sit with me, "This is not just about you and me anymore. Do you _really_ think either of us would let anything happen to it? That's how this works, my love. I trust you and you trust me--it's called marriage."  


 

He was quiet for a moment as he took in my words.  


 

"But what if something had gone wrong?" he asked, taking my hands in his and pointedly not looking me in the eye.  


 

"You knew it wouldn't. You promised me we would be safe." I whispered, "And I trust you."  


 

Tears shone in his eyes and he tried to smile. I brought his hands to my lips and then pressed them to my stomach.  


 

"You're going to be a great father one day."  


 

"Derilliam." he said suddenly, his eyes changing.  


 

"What?" I asked, confused.  


 

"Have you done Derilliam?"  


 

I bit back my tears and nodded. "Oh, so long ago now."  


 

He ignored what I was inferring and stood to pace.  


 

"You've--but then how are you here with me? I've already let you go--Or I will have." he mumbled.  


 

I couldn't keep my tears back. I wanted to jump up and tell him he'd saved me--That we have a beautiful, linear life together--that we love each other more than ever and that this baby will have as proper a family as we can give--Together.  


 

He was completely ignoring me now--deep in a rant I knew from experience he wouldn't be finished with for days. I stood without a sound and made my way to the TARDIS library. I figured now would be as good a time as any to finish the manuscript I was supposed to send mother.  


 

Tears pricked at my eyes as I set the typewriter and typed the title page.  


 

The final step in saying goodbye.


	8. Chapter 8

He stayed in his mood for nearly two weeks. I probably would have tried to pull him out sooner if the book hadn't been taking up so much of my time. I only had two chapters left to write.  


 

The hardest of them all.  


 

I took a sip of my tea and typed a chapter heading.  


_Chapter Seven - Death At Winter Quay_ _  
_

 

The words stared up at me and I stared back, fighting the temptation to throw it all away, hollow myself up in a quiet corner of the TARDIS and properly mourn the loss of my parents.  


 

I had mourned somewhat. I'd returned to my Doctor's TARDIS to find him waiting with his arms open and all the comfort and understanding he knew I would need--but even then, with the baby and everything, I'd forced everything behind a barrier and left it there without looking back.  


 

I missed them.  


 

I buried my head in my hands as tears spilled from my eyes.  


 

I heard the door open and shut and looked up at the Doctor through my tears.  


 

"I'm sorry, River. For moping--for being an idiot--for leaving you when I knew you needed me--and for leaving you to finish this alone."  


 

I forced a smile and wiped my tears, not saying a word.  


 

He came over and wrapped me in his arms. "I am _so sorry_."  


 

I sniffled quietly and clung to his shirt. "It's not your fault." I whispered, "you'll understand someday soon, I promise."  


 

I pulled away slowly.

 

"I may have done Derilliam, darling," I said hesitantly, "but there's a woman out there who loves you so very much, and you've left her for far too long. She's frightened and alone and all she needs is her husband in a suit and a new haircut--Don't let me down."

 

I brushed his hair out of his eyes and stood on my toes to kiss him. I could taste his tears almost immediately and pulled back.

 

"I promise I'll be right here when you get back." I said, straitening his bow tie, "Take your time. With everything. I love you."  


 

He swallowed and rubbed his eyes. "Don't leave me, River. Not ever."  


 

I choked on a quiet sob and smiled. "You know I can't stay for much longer--but I'll be around, sweetie. I'll always be around so long as you don't give up on me."  


 

His face changed, but I couldn't tell what he was thinking.  


 

"You're going to be late--trust me, darling. You're not going to want to miss a second."


	9. Chapter 9

I dropped him off myself before retreating back to the library. The room seemed to darken as if it knew what I was about to write.

 

 

 

 

 

I couldn't.

 

 

 

 

 

My feet took me away from the desk and I found myself curled up in one of the massive cushions with a pillow to my chest. I began to wonder if I would cry again and heard a tear fall onto the fabric of the pillow. I stared at the spot as it darkened and spread. I had been crying already?

 

 

 

 

 

"River?"

 

 

 

 

 

Startled, I turned to see _my_ Doctor standing in the doorway.

 

 

 

 

 

Without a word, I stood and wrapped my arms around his waist. I needed this-- _him_.

 

 

 

 

 

"I can't do it. I can't finish." I choked through my tears.

 

 

 

 

 

He shushed me and pulled me out of the library and down to the kitchen.

 

 

 

 

 

"We'll deal with that later, okay? Both of us together."

 

 

 

 

 

I nodded and wiped my tears. "What are you doing here? Not that I'm not glad to see you, my love, but you're not the best at timing. You might have run into yourself."

 

 

 

 

 

He rolled his eyes and lead me to sit at the counter. "I missed you. Give me some credit."

 

 

 

 

 

I laughed and accepted a glass of water from him.

 

 

 

 

 

"What are you wearing?" he asked, taking in my leggings and over-sized sweatshirt.

 

 

 

 

 

"If you were the pregnant one, you'd be wearing this too, sweetie. My clothes are a bit snug."

 

 

 

 

 

His face brightened and he began pulling at my sweater.

 

 

 

 

 

"No." I insisted, pulling the hem back down into my lap, "You need to eat, and I need to change."

 

 

 

 

 

He sighed and began pulling out odd assortments of food, including--I noticed with great pleasure-- several kinds of vegetables.

 

 

 

 

 

"You have to eat too. What would you like?"

 

 

 

 

 

I pursed my lips and hummed. "A scone. With caramel spread." I said, already tasting the sweet treat in my mouth, "but not a whole one. Just a bite or two, I think."

 

 

 

 

 

He looked at me worriedly and I gave him my best smile.

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm going to change. I won't be long."

 

 

 

 

 

I left him to do the cooking and climbed the stairs to our room to find something better to wear. I considered keeping my leggings on, but the waistband was cutting into my stomach so I opted for a pair of drawstring sweat pants and a cotton vest.

 

 

 

 

 

I sighed contentedly as the comfort of fresh, un-restricting clothes brought air back into my lungs.

 

 

 

 

 

I glanced in the mirror and studied myself. I was sure I'd gotten bigger as the pile of pants I couldn't button grew, and I could see a small difference--but to me, I hadn't really changed much since I left my Doctor.

 

 

 

 

 

I pulled my hair up messily and returned to the kitchen to find a tray of fresh hot scones and caramel spread waiting. He was talking to himself with his back to me, so I leaned against the door frame and tilted my head, amused at his words.

 

 

 

 

 

"She's always right--bloody brilliant, that wife of mine. Vegetables can't be evil. They're quite good, really. I don't know why I ever decided otherwise. I used to wear vegetables on my clothes! How could I have--"

 

 

 

 

 

"It may surprise you how many things you refuse to eat are good, darling." I interjected. He spun around in surprise and his jaw dropped.

 

 

 

 

 

" _Look_ at you! _Oh my god, look_!" he cried, a grin climbing his face as he came toward me.

 

 

 

 

 

"Not much to look at yet."

 

 

 

 

 

"Yes, but there is! Look!"

 

 

 

 

 

He sunk to his knees, hands sliding under the hem of my vest and pushing it upwards.

 

 

 

 

 

"You're beautiful." he said in wonder as his fingertips explored my skin.

 

 

 

 

 

I laughed. "Thank you, sweetie. You're not so bad yourself."

 

 

 

 

 

He giggled and pressed a long kiss to my abdomen before he stood and lead me back to the counter, beaming all the way.

 

 

 

 

 

"What part of 'a couple bites' confused you, Doctor?" I asked as I took in the spread before me.

 

 

 

 

 

"You have to eat more than a couple bites, River." he insisted, setting a steaming scone on my plate and handing me the spread knife, "and when you can't eat anymore, I'll finish it off."

 

 

 

 

 

I rolled my eyes and took a bite.

 

 

 

"You're the best, sweetie."

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

I surprised myself at how much dinner I was able to keep down. I managed the whole of my small scone _and_ a few bites of the Doctor's vegetables before I felt the familiar warning queasiness settling in and put down my fork.  


 

I think he saw the change in my face. The next thing I knew, he was cleaning the kitchen and insisting I needn't help. He didn't have to beg.  


 

When the counters were spotless, he gathered me into his arms and began walking toward the library.  


 

"You don't have to carry me, sweetie." I said, trying to let myself down, "I'm not _that_ sick."  


 

"Is it making you sick for me to carry you? Because I don't see any other reason why I shouldn't be."  


 

I was silent. It was actually kind of nice.  


 

Soon, I was settled into a cushion with a soft blanket over my shoulders and the Doctor brought over a small computer. I took it from him and shifted so he could sit with me.  


 

"Now," he said, tucking me under his arm and taking the computer back, "I think between the two of us, this wont take long at all."  


 

I smiled and sighed, grateful he was here with me.  


 

We went to work, each putting in facts we remembered as we wove an ending to the story of Melody Malone. I fell asleep for a good portion of it--Which didn't phase my sweet husband for a second. He continued to write in silence until I woke.  


 

"Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry!" I said, sitting up and shaking the sleep from my head, "You should have woken me."  


 

He smiled and kissed my cheek. "You needed sleep, River. And besides, it was the easy bit of the story _and_ you already wrote six chapters on your own."  


 

I took the computer from him and put my legs across his lap. "It's supposed to be mine to do alone in the first place, darling." I said, beginning where he'd left off, "Thank you for being here."  
  
He smiled and we went back to work--me somewhat distracted this time by his fingers, and him giggling every time my eyes rolled back in pleasure.  


 

"We're never going to get this done if you keep-- _Stop_."  


 

His hand slid from my side to my inner thigh, fishing for trouble. He got it.  


 

I set the computer aside as he continued to rub small circles over my sweats. "You're playing a dangerous game, my love." I warned, breath already ragged.  


 

"I like danger." he replied, voice deep with want.  


 

I laughed and removed his hand from my leg. "You won't like _this_ danger."  


 

He gave me a skeptical look and I raised an amused eyebrow. Still didn't believe me? I bit my lip and moved to straddle him, leaning in with an already opened mouth.  


 

He didn't argue. Our tongues danced feverishly as I prepared to teach him a lesson I was sure he wouldn't soon forget.  


_Never_ interrupt my work for a shag. _Never._ _  
_

 

I made quick work of his shirt and he sat up so I could take it off before he collapsed back and took me with him. I broke away from his mouth and began heatedly trailing my way across his jawline and down his neck, grinding my hips hard into his and successfully drawing a loud gasp for my efforts.  


 

He was hard--and oh, so ready for me. My hands found the clasp and zip of his pants and he whined and bucked as I took my sweet time with them.   


 

Little did he know...  


 

I let my fingers brush dangerously close and--feeling his erection rising--climbed off of him and picked up the computer.  


 

He squeaked and tried to pull me back, but I danced away, leaving him to suffer the consequences.  


 

"River! You--But you can't--I _need_ you."  


 

I sat down at the desk and struggled to control my breath. "Go take a cold shower, sweetie. Come back when you're ready to help me finish this book."  


 

He rolled his eyes and hurried out, dragging his shirt in one hand, and holding up his pants with the other.  


 

Now I could get back to work. The burning in my core had subsided significantly by the time the Doctor returned. His hair was wet and he joined me at the desk.  


 

"I don't like danger."  


 

I burst into laughter and kissed his cheek. "I'm sure you wont make the same mistake twice, darling."  


 

He grinned and took over at the keyboard while I read over the book's contents thus far. I was pleased with the outcome. It was easier to write with him--easier to pretend this was all just a story and not a reality.   


 

I glanced over his shoulder and realized we were nearly finished. I placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and he stopped typing.  


 

"Let me do this for you." I whispered, knowing he had every intention of barreling through my mother's goodbye for my sake and completely destroying himself emotionally. There were tears in his eyes already. "Please, my love."  


 

He hesitated for a long minute, then relented. My hearts beat loudly in my ears as I placed my fingers on the keys.  


_Here goes nothing..._ _  
_

 

His hands rested on my shoulders comfortingly, but I knew his eyes wouldn't look up at the screen until well after I was finished.  


 

I don't remember much of what I wrote, really. It was accurate, I'm sure. My eyes remained dry until the last word was on the page.  


_End._ _  
_

 

I stopped typing and stared at the word. It looked odd just sitting there on it's own. I felt like that word. I had no family left.  


 

"River?"  


 

Tears spilled down my face. What was I thinking? I had a family. I had the Doctor and our baby. I wasn't alone.  


_Mum would be furious..._ _  
_

 

"River."  


 

I felt him pull me to my feet and lead me down the corridor to my old bedroom.  


 

"I'll leave a note for myself that you're in here." he said softly as he tucked me into my bed.  


 

"Don't you dare leave me." I said, voice thick with tears as I clung to his hand. He kissed my cheek and settled himself right next to me, never breaking contact once.  


 

"River, I'm sorry."  


 

I turned into his chest and gripped his shirt tightly. "You have to stop apologizing for what's already been forgiven, my love." I said softly with only a small sniffle.  


 

He was quiet for several minutes before he insisted he needed to get a note on the console before the past versions of ourselves returned to the TARDIS for the night. I nodded and sat up, determined to stay awake until he came back.  


 

He wasn't gone long. The door opened and shut quietly and he crawled back into bed next to me and pulled me into his arms.  


 

"You have to go soon, don't you?" I asked, not keen on spending this night alone.  


 

"Not until you're ready." he replied, kissing my head, "And not until I hold you through our 4:20 wake up call."  


 

I laughed and pulled the blankets up over both of us.  


 

"It's a date."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry for the delay, guys. my computer died and i had to wait AGES to use the desktop to access evernote. My computer is getting fixed though, so the next update should be sooner. Thank you for all your messages and kudos! You're all so sweet (:


	11. Chapter 11

4:20 rolled around sooner than I was ready for. I didn't bother trying to be quiet for the Doctor as I stumbled into the bathroom and sunk to my knees in front of the toilet. He followed right behind--wordlessly pulling my hair out of my face and rubbing small circles on my back as I struggled in a losing battle with my stomach.  


 

After the fourth round, the Doctor put an elastic around my hair and started a warm bath for me. I could feel my whole body shaking as he helped me undress and slide into the comfort of the water.  


 

"I shouldn't have eaten so much dinner." I moaned, leaning my head back against the wall and holding his hand tightly over the rim of the tub.  


 

"It was good for you to eat. The baby needs you to eat."  


 

I smiled at him and shut my eyes. We fell into a comfortable silence as the water eased my queasiness.  


 

"Did it hurt?"  


 

I opened my eyes and looked up at him questioningly. "Did what hurt?"  


 

"At the library when you--"  


 

I squeezed his hand. "Not in the least, physically. Emotionally--I thought I would explode. I was sure it would be the end--that I would never see you again--but you surprised me."  


 

He kissed my hand and knit his eyebrows together. "What was it like? In the data core?"  


 

"Awful. Time was all wrong there. It made me ache inside and out. I thought I would go insane if I had to stay there."  


 

"I'm sorry I left it for so long." he said quietly.  


 

I sighed and sat up to pull the drain. "You did the right thing. Any sooner and it might have killed me for good."  


 

He helped me stand and wrapped a warm towel around me. "What do you mean?"  


 

I stepped out and let him help me back into the bedroom and over to my wardrobe. "The transference safety software."  


 

He went quiet. I sighed and searched for any of my old things that would still fit until I found some bottoms and a top that would do and slipped them on.  


 

"It--Did it hurt you?"  


 

I pulled him back to the bed and sat him down with his hands in my lap.  


 

"It wasn't your fault." I started, "The transference is _meant_ to have that effect. It's the Library's way of preventing too many spoilers. Books or documents that are in the database less than a certain amount of time are destroyed beyond recognition if someone tries to download a copy before the proper date."  


 

Horror filled his face and I hurried to continue my explanation before he got the wrong idea.  


 

"Calm down, my love. I'm here and you did everything right. As for the transference in my case--I've been in worse pain, sweetie. Countless times. I was perfectly fine--give or take a burn or two. It was worth it to be with you. I wouldn't have lasted staying in there much longer. I'd already talked to CAL about 

 

being deleted for good. It hurt to badly to be alive in there knowing I would never see you again."  


 

He blinked back tears and kissed me softly. "I'm sorry you had to suffer. I was such a prick back then. I treated you horribly."  


 

I smiled and moved back under the duvet. "You can make it up to me when I get back to our TARDIS."  


 

He laughed and brushed a curl out of my face. "What day is it for you?"  


 

I thought for a moment. "Thursday. When do I get to come home?"  


 

He stood and crossed to the door. "Not long now. Just a few days. You'll know when it's time, I think."  


 

I sighed and blew him a kiss. "I love you."  


 

"I love you, too."  


 

xxx

  
I woke again an hour or two later only to find myself rushing to lean over the toilet again. I sighed and sat back against the wall. _It'll be worth it. It will_...  


 

I managed to keep what was left in my stomach where it was, though. It was incredibly uncomfortable on the cold tiled floor, but I didn't dare move for a good twenty minutes, just to be sure. My body protested as I stood and pulled on one of the Doctor's shirts--long forgotten in my small, unused room. It was 

 

surprisingly comfortable for how closely it clung to my stomach. Bless him--too skinny for his own--or my-- good.  


 

I kept on the loose bottoms I'd found and sat on the bed. I remembered waking up with the Doctor the morning after Derilliam and having a long shower together, then breakfast omelettes--which he refused to put anything but sweets into--before he took me home and left.  


 

I allowed myself to be lost in the memory for a while before I realized sleep would not be returning and crept quietly down to the library.  


 

To my surprise, the book's manuscript had been stacked neatly beside an electric tea kettle and a warming plate, overflowing with food. I smiled and picked up the card next to it.

 

_River,_

  
_Hide the manuscript anyplace in here and we'll get it when you come back._ _I've left you plenty of food--please eat it._ _I can't wait until you get back._   


_My hearts are yours alone, my love._

  
_The Doctor_ _  
_   


 

I set aside the card and switched on the kettle. Food was _not_ and option at the moment. I sat down at the desk and pulled out a fresh sheet of paper and a pen. The blank page stared up at me, taunting me for my hesitation. I tapped the pen on my lip as I thought about what to write to my parents.  


_Mum and Dad,_

_I hope this finds you well. I've set up bank accounts and papers for you--all the information is in a safety deposit box on 5th Avenue. I'll put the key in with the lot._

_Mum, I feel an afterward from you to the Doctor is important to include in the publishing. He'll be stuck in a pitiful rut for far too long if you don't give him a shove in the right direction._

_Dad, thank you. I can't tell you how many times I've meant to say those words to you. Thank you for everything you've taught me and pushed me through--both when we were children and after I could finally share my identity with you. You and mum are the best friends and parents I could ever have asked for._

_You'll be pleased to know that through a rather odd and complicated series of events, the Doctor and I are now linear and can stay together on the TARDIS. Which brings me to another bit of news--As I'm writing this, I'm just two or three months away from delivering your grandbaby. Oh, God, I can practically see mum fainting--get her a drink dad._

_All is well and we miss you dearly. Keep your eyes open for messages from us. Museums, cave paintings, news stories--the usual. We'll be around._

_All our love,_

_River Song_

_  
_I stared at the words I'd written and decided it would do for now. The kettle whistled and I folded the letter and set it on top of the manuscript.

_One job done..._ I thought. My stomach flip-flopped and I groaned and put one hand over it as I poured my tea.

_And quite another one to go..._ _  
_

_  
_xxx

 

I spent the next couple of hours sipping cautiously at my tea and reading a few of my old archeology textbooks to pass the time. The food smelled glorious, but my nausea made it very clear that if I wanted to keep what was in my stomach, I had better not put anything else in.  


 

I glanced at my watch and realized it was probably time for me to sneak up to our room and put some proper, less spoiler-revealing clothes on and clean the kitchen after the Doctor and my past self.  


 

I could hear us in the kitchen arguing over vegetables and sweets and smiled to myself. _He'll be singing a different song from now on..._ _  
_

 

I took off his shirt and my shorts and put them in the hamper, before raiding the closet. If my current state was any indication of the rest of my day, I wouldn't be leaving the TARDIS.  


 

I settled on a pair of fleece bottoms and another of my over-sized sweaters. I didn't think it would be a huge deal for him to see how much my stomach had swelled in the two weeks I'd been here, but I definitely wasn't about to show it off and bring up the conversation.  


 

Comfortable, I crept back to the kitchen and groaned at the state of it. I'd forgotten how messy he was with his sweets. I sighed and rolled up my sleeves past my elbows, taking the job slowly and carefully. No noise, no vomiting, no need for a rush.  


 

It seemed hours later when the last bit of dried egg was wiped off the counter tops and the kitchen sparkled again.  


 

Satisfied, I left the kitchen and wandered slowly toward the console room. When I arrived, I poked my head around the corner and watched the Doctor saying goodbye to me.  


 

"Thank you, sweetie. You've always known how to treat a lady." I said. He half-smiled and pulled me in for a long kiss. My eyes filled with tears as I watched. He thought he was saying goodbye forever.  


 

"Don't leave me too long this time," I said when we broke apart, "I live for the days we're together."  


 

He nodded and kissed my forehead. "I love you, River. More than anyone or anything--I just--There aren't words."  


 

I brushed my thumb across his cheek and smiled. "I've always known it. I love you, too. Promise me you'll always come back for me."  


 

He choked and enfolded me in his arms. "I promise."  


 

He was lying. I could hear it now, but I hadn't noticed then. He wasn't at all planning on getting me out of the data core once I was gone--whether because he didn't know how or because he'd resigned to thinking it impossible I didn't know. But I had to do something about it. I had to change his mind before it erased our future.  


 

He released me and I stepped out of the TARDIS, turning back to blow a kiss and wave good-bye. He reached out and pretended to catch my kiss and tuck it safely in his pocket before he waved back.  


 

I waited until I heard my door close before I stepped out and descended the stairs. The Doctor didn't turn around for a moment and I could see his shoulders shaking.  


 

I held out my arms as he turned and saw me, tears in both our eyes. He crossed to me and held me so tight I thought he would break a rib or two.  


 

"Hush, sweetie," I whispered, pulling him toward the sofa and sitting him down while I flew us into the vortex.  


 

He didn't look up when I returned to him and I sat across his lap, hugging his head to my chest and pressing soft kisses to his hair. His arms snaked around my waist and he began to cry harder.  


 

"Doctor, listen," I said, pressing his ear closer to my chest, "What do you hear?"  


 

He sniffled and kissed my skin just above my beating hearts. "Everything. I can hear it--in your heartbeats. But--"  


 

I pulled his chin up and kissed his words away. "But nothing, my love. They will always beat for you--But you can't give up. I heard it in your promise. You've let go of all hope."  


 

He shook his head and kissed my palm. It wasn't a denial.  


 

My hand grabbed his and placed it softly across my stomach. "This is your hope. Our future."  


 

He stared down at our hands and I could feel him go rigid with guilt. I thought quickly. There had to be some way to get his mind working on a plan--some way to make him see that he _could_ get me out of the Library and this _could_ happen for us.  


 

"It was your idea, you know." I said finally, "You're the one who brought up having a family."  


 

He looked up at me through his tears, confusion written in every line.  


 

"I'm not your River, Doctor. Your River is the one you just let go of. I belong in your future with my Doctor. I can't stay here much longer. You'll miss me."  


 

He smiled and rolled his eyes. "I think I can wait a bit longer." he sniffled.  


 

I laughed and kissed his cheek. "Not if you let go."  


 

We fell into silence as he considered my words. If that didn't get him on the right track, I didn't know if anything would. It was the absolute closest I could get to the truth without ripping apart reality.  


 

"You've skipped breakfast, haven't you?" he asked, brushing a curl aside, "Are you feeling alright?"  


 

I smiled. "Food is out of the question I'm afraid. I had a bit of tea earlier, though." I said, looking deep in his eyes, "You've changed."  


 

He raised an eyebrow. "I've changed?"  


 

"Your eyes are brighter." It had worked. He was thinking again. "I've already cleaned the kitchen--I think I'll be spending the day in the den with a blanket and book."  


 

"No adventure?" he asked sarcastically.  


 

I laughed and rolled my eyes. "Not after my night."  


 

"What happened last night?"  


 

I stood and winked, calling back to him as I headed for the warmth of the den.   


 

"Spoilers."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try and make these chapters longer....I love you guys! Thank you for all your support and things through this!


	12. Chapter 12

I spent the majority of the day curled up on the sofa watching reruns of old television shows. The Doctor was in and out every few minutes to check on me. He was clearly distracted by what I had said that morning. He kept mumbling about circuits and that sort, then looking at me as if he wanted to ask me something, then shaking his head and going back to himself.  


I didn't mind. I knew it was important for him to think everything through.  


The episode that had been playing ended and I switched the telly off just as he entered the room with a tray piled high with food.  


"Okay, River. You're starting to scare me. _Please_ eat something."  


I reached out a hand and he helped me sit up. I glanced at the food and grimaced.  


"Alright, sweetie," I sighed, "but only because I know you'll be the one holding my hair back when this backfires."  


He grinned and sat down next to me. "What looks good?"  


I thought for a moment, then selected a slice of strawberry and sat back into his side. It seemed to taunt me as I raised it to my lips. I stopped at the last second and ran a hand through my hair.  


"Have we got any soda water?" I asked, hoping it would help a little. He jumped to his feet and raced out.  


I set the strawberry on a small plate and ran a hand across my stomach. "Why can't you let mummy eat, darling?" I whispered with a sigh.  


The Doctor returned with my drink and laced his fingers through mine. I smiled and thanked him before picking up the strawberry and taking a small bite.  


I could feel my stomach protesting before I even swallowed. I took a sip of the soda and pressed the back of my hand to my lips, willing myself not to be sick just yet.  


It took several minutes of fighting, but at last the churning lessened and I opened my eyes. The Doctor was watching me carefully, obviously worried.  


"Maybe some tea or soup?" I suggested with half a smile. He wasn't the only one worried about me not being able to keep anything down.  


He nodded and bit his lip.  


"Now? Or do you need a little while?"  


I set down my glass and sighed, snuggling into his chest. "Just stay here with me."  


He smiled and pulled me closer, his fingers tangling in my curls and gently massaging my scalp.  


_Thank God for this man..._ I thought, finally relaxing for the fist time all day.  


 

xxx

  
"I will _never_ eat a strawberry again." I vowed as I leaned over the toilet yet again.  


The Doctor laughed and kissed my cheek. "I promise never to feed them to you again."  


I smiled and leaned my head on his shoulder. "I think I'm going to go to bed, sweetie. I can't eat."  


He frowned, but nodded and helped me to my feet. I couldn't imagine there was _anything_ left in my stomach to come out anymore, and I wasn't about to give it more ammunition.  


I crawled into our bed and he kissed my head. "Just a sip of tea?" he asked hopefully.  


I hesitated. I didn't want to spend my whole night leaning over the toilet--but the look on his face--he was so worried for me--  


"Maybe a sip." I agreed. He looked relieved and went off to the kitchen.  


There was a knawing pain in my stomach I remembered from when I was a little girl on the streets of New York.  


Hunger.  


Not just hunger, though. It was more than not having food in my stomach. It was my body telling me there wasn't enough nutrients to keep me alive if I kept this up. And I knew what nutrients it had would go to me--not my baby.  


Fear tightened in my chest. What if I couldn't tackle this? What if--  


"Okay. Tea for you, my love, then bed."  


I hid my thoughts behind a smile and thanked him for taking such good care of me.  


The tea was hot and I blew on it softly before raising the cup to my lips.  


_Here goes..._ _  
_

 

xxx  


 

"River."  


I stirred and winced as the light from the window blinded me.  


_Light from the window?_ _  
_

"River, you didn't wake me up this morning."  


I rolled over to look at him. "What?"  


"You didn't wake me up when you--"  


I shot up and looked around for a clock.   


_9:28?_ _  
_

"Oh my God..."  


He looked at me in confusion.  


"I didn't wake up either. I wasn't sick--" I gasped and knit my eyebrows together, "I'm _not_ sick. I don't feel--"  


I threw the duvet off my legs and stumbled to my feet.  


"River?" he asked, following quickly as I headed out into the hallway.  


"Fancy a nice breakfast, darling?" I asked with a grin as we entered the kitchen.  


He laughed and ushered me into a chair. "I'll do the cooking, my dear. What would you like?"  


It took me a long while to decide, but I eventually settled on toast and tea.  


"Probably best not to push my luck." I realized, "Maybe I'll be more adventurous at lunch."  


He laughed and slid a plate of toast toward me and poured my tea.  


I ate slowly, waiting for my body to tell me to stop. That stop didn't come in the form of more queasiness. I was full.  


I scrunched my face and considered the oddity. It was nice to feel good again, but I couldn't help but wonder if the baby was alright.  


I excused myself for a shower and kissed him softly.  


Maybe I was over-thinking things.  


I turned on the tap and ran my fingers under the water, humming quietly to myself.  


The warmth of the spray rained down on me as I washed. How could I go from being so _incredibly_ ill yesterday, to feeling perfectly healthy today? Was that normal?  


I turned off the tap and stepped out of the shower, drying my skin with a soft towel before going to work on my hair. I practically had it down to a science. Ten minutes later, my curls were dry and as tame as they would ever be.  


I slipped on my satin robe and was about to make for the closet when I felt it.  


The softest little flutter in my abdomen.  


I froze and looked down at my belly, waiting for something else to confirm I hadn't imagined it.  


There is was again!  


I breathed out a short, relieved laugh and rushed over to my bedside table for my vortex manipulator.  


_Time to go home._


	13. Chapter 13

I aimed for the console room. It was the first place I could think he would be and I needed him _right then_.

 

I appeared next to the sofa and barely noticed our guest before I grabbed his hand and pulled him down the corridor and into the den.

 

"River?! What--"

 

I pulled him to sit next to me and pressed his hand to the lower left side of my stomach without a word.  


 

He jumped as he felt the soft kick and I grinned up at him.

 

"Thought you might not want to miss this, sweetie."

 

Tears shone in his eyes and he pulled me in for a long kiss. "I missed you." he said softly.

 

I gave him a sympathetic smile and stood again. "Seems to me your new companion might have been quite enough distraction to pass the time."

 

His eyes widened. "Clara! Oh, I've just left her in--"

 

I laughed and shoved him toward the door. "Go make sure she's alright. I'll be down in a bit."

 

He nodded and left, his grin still stuck in place.

 

I dressed quickly. The TARDIS had provided several new clothing options to accommodate the change in my figure--bless her. I found a pair of jeans that fit wonderfully and a soft cotton vest. It was nice to have clothes that fit again. Before I left the room, I found a thin cardigan and pulled it on over my bare arms.

 

Now I had to face this new companion.

 

I entered the console room quietly, listening to them argue.

 

"--that's not what happened!"

 

"But that's what it looked like!"

 

"Clara, she was just--"

 

"Alright you two," I said with a sigh after I'd made myself comfortable on the sofa, "Kiss and make up before I pull out a gun and do something drastic."

 

They both went silent, shocked at my sudden appearance.

 

"Clara--is it?" I asked. She nodded. "Lovely name. So sorry for the interruption--I just needed a quick word with my husband. I'm River, it's very nice to meet you, and welcome to the TARDIS."

 

Her jaw dropped. "You never said she was your  _wife._ " she hissed.

 

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "I was about to but  _you_ \--"

 

The sound of my blaster charging stopped him mid-sentence and he immediately put his hands behind his back and stared at the floor.

 

Clara looked as if she were deciding whether to laugh or cry. I sent her a quick wink before I returned my weapon to it's holster and stood.

 

"Right," I said, taking my place and the console and taking us strait to my old cell in Stormcage, "I'll pop off for a bit and you two can get back to whatever it was you--"

 

The Doctor stopped me with a hand over mine and shook his head firmly. "Not this time, River."

 

I kissed his cheek and pulled away. "There's something I've got to do, sweetie. You can even wait here if you promise to make her invisible and  _not peek_." I stressed.

 

He smiled and began flipping switches. I laughed and made a face at Clara. She stifled a giggle as I followed him around, correcting his mistakes without letting him see.

 

"Clara, darling, keep an eye on him. He can't be near the scanner  _or_ the door while I'm out."

 

She nodded and saluted me. "Any chance you've got a set of handcuffs?" she joked. The Doctor's eyes widened and he shook his head at me, knowing what was coming.

 

I winked and obliged her request --to her shock and his horror -- and she began to laugh. "Oh, I like her."

 

"Now, Clara," he said, backing away slowly, "those really,  _really_ aren't necessary. I am perfectly capable of not peeking."

 

As much as I would have liked to, I didn't stick around for the show. Clara was by far one of the most likable companions he'd ever had--and I'd only known her for three minutes.

 

For now, I had something I needed to find. It was the day after I'd received my pardon and moved in with my parents. All of my belongings were still in their places. I hadn't taken anything but my diary and a few books with me.  


 

It was oddly nostalgic to be back here. It had always felt more like home than the TARDIS or any other place I'd ever lived. Completely rational, given the number of consecutive life sentences I'd been given.  


 

I ran my fingers across the worn, thin fabric of my blanket and slipped a hand beneath the mattress, pulling out a thick filer folder, heavy with papers.  


 

I sat down on the bed and opened it. My art. My thoughts and imaginings. My sanity in a bleak, dark world within these walls.  


 

I smiled as I began to glance through them. I was looking for one in particular. It took me the better part of an hour to find it tucked between a sketch of the orange and green mountains of Rendiers and a rather well worn pen drawing of the Doctor in his ninth regeneration.  


 

I glanced quickly at the photo I'd come for and slipped it to the front of the folder where I could find it later. Then, with a final look around, I stood and started for the invisible TARDIS.  


 

Alarms began blaring and the cell door slammed shut--blocking my path to safety.  


 

I looked around in confusion. This wasn't right.  


 

A laugh echoed down the corridors. A high, evil laugh I couldn't have mistaken anywhere. Fear filled me and I stood on my toes for the spare key I had always kept on hand.  


_It wasn't there._ _  
_

 

The laugh was getting louder. I could hear heels clicking on the stone cold floors. _God, did she /ever/ buy new shoes?_ _  
_

 

"Doctor! Clara?!" I called as loudly as I dared.  


 

There was no answer. Of course there wasn't. I'd insisted on no peeking _and_ I'd given her my handcuffs.  


 

" _Tick tock, my dear. Tick tock._ "  


 

My breath caught in my throat and I began calling for him more frantically as I went through every trick in my book to get out of this cell.  


 

Nothing was working.  


 

" _Oh, but you've been a bad girl, haven't you, Melody?"_ _  
_

 

"Doctor!!"


	14. Chapter 14

I scrambled for a tube of lipstick and hastily traced a large red 'K' on the mirror.  


_How could she know where I was? How could she even be here?_ _  
_

I didn't have time to dwell. The footsteps grew closer still and I plopped down on my bed, trying to appear board with the whole thing.  


"Well, well, well," I heard her say as she approached, "How are you feeling today, Melody? Still struggling with morning sickness? Or has that already passed."  


My hearts stopped and then began racing. _Oh, God, not that..._ _  
_

I sat up and looked at her without any emotion on my face. It was a dangerous game.  


"It's nice to see you, too." I scoffed with an eyeroll, "What the hell do you want, Kovarian?"  


She was surprised at how young I sounded. It was the effect I was hoping for. If she thought I was a younger version of myself and the Doctor showed up for a confrontation, it would be far easier to pass him off as a version before I 'killed' him.  


She regained her composure quickly and let out a smug laugh. "I see you've been busy. Mind if I take a look at the goods?"  


I tasted bile. There was _no way_ I was going to let her anywhere near me.  


"Hmm," I hummed, "How about no. Thisisn't your game anymore. The Doctor's dead. All I have left of him are long forgotten versions of his past. What more could you possibly want?"  


I still hadn't moved from my spot on the bed. I was running through my options quickly. The TARDIS was invisible just behind Kovarian. If I could get my hands on something heavy and throw it at her, but miss...  


"I think it would be silly to assume you don't know, my dear. We both know you're not stupid."  


I rolled my eyes and hefted the solid gold Egyptian statuette next to me.   


"Shove off." I mumbled, aiming quickly and carefully, making sure to make it look like I didn't try. It flew through the air and wizzed past her. A hollow _thunk_ echoed around us and I hoped she hadn't noticed.  


She was still laughing when the door of the TARDIS eased open a crack and I saw Clara poke her head out. I locked eyes with her and made sure she got my message, before breaking our gazes and looking back to Kovarian.  


"You're such a silly little thing, Melody."  


I drew my blaster and aimed it at her head. "Don't call me Melody." I warned. Her face showed fear for an instant, then returned to smug confidence.  


"Oh, dear," she mocked, "Have we forgotten the punishment for pointing a gun at the woman who raised you as her own?"  


I wanted to kill her. I wanted to press my forearm to her throat and tell her over and over again who my real mother was until she slipped into the afterlife where my parents would be waiting to greet her.  


My trigger finger twitched, then my hands began to shake. It wasn't me. It was _her_.  


"Now," she said with confidence, "Put down that gun, darling, and hold very still for your escorts."  


My gun clattered to the ground without my consent. Men in uniform appeared at the door to my cell and opened it without trouble.  


_No. No....no...no...no..._ _  
_

The moment their hands came in contact with my arms, I began fighting. I managed to knock two unconscious and another three to the floor before I was overwhelmed and forced into the corridor.  


"Ever the fighter." Kovarian said, almost proud. She turned on her heels and began walking away. The men holding me followed behind, bruising my arms in their grip as I continued to struggle to break free.  


"Doctor!! Doctor!"


	15. Chapter 15

I woke up in a dark room with a massive headache. I rolled onto my side and heaved--losing my breakfast over the side of the hard table I was laying on.  


I groaned and pressed my palms to my forehead.  


"Awake, then?"  


I shot up and looked around as the room slowly began to lighten. The events of the last time I was conscious flooded back to me. I was at the mercy of the Silence.  


"Get someone in here to clean this up."   


I saw Kovarian on a raised landing on one side of the room, giving orders and watching me carefully. The room was cold and brilliant white as the lights revealed more and more of it. Nearly every surface was the same shade of white--making it hard for me to tell what all was surrounding the exam table I was sitting on.

My stomach turned and I lay back again, trying to ignore Kovarian's stare.  


"Are you feeling well?" she asked.  


I rolled onto my side, facing away from her.  


I assumed she was annoyed by my lack of answer and went back to her work. It surprised me when she appeared next to my bed and crouched down to my side.

"I'm not playing games, Melody. I only asked because we may need to increase the dosage of your medication." she said, her voice less cold than usual.

I noticed for the first time that I was surrounded by medical equipment.  


"I'm fine." I lied, my icy tone matching hers.  


She scowled and walked away, barking more orders and leaving me to my misery.  


I massaged my stomach gently, wincing a little as the baby landed a painful kick to my kidney. I wondered where the Doctor was. He was supposed to have rescued me before I'd even left Stormcage.   


"In case you're wondering," Kovarian called from her lofty commanding position, "you've had a bit of an accident. You've been out for almost a week--but not to worry, my dear. We've kept a close eye on your baby."  


I only barely kept my rage contained. A _week_? No--it can't have been a week. It didn't feel right. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath, focusing carefully on the time energy around me.  


"Almost a week?" I said, smirking as I pictured her face as I called her bluff, "I think you mean two and a half."  


She went quiet again and I let my thoughts wander. Two and a half weeks. That was a _lot_ longer than acceptable. I had to get out of here. If I waited much longer--  


The air left my lungs with a strained squeak and I curled in on myself. Pain tore through my body and I writhed in agony, confused as to what was happening. Was it Kovarian?  


"What's wrong with her? What's happening? Fix it, you idiots! If _anything_ happens to her, you'll have me to answer to!"  


I probably would have laughed if I had been in the mind to. Not Kovarian, then.   


Medics surrounded me and checked me over as I struggled to contain my screams.  


"Ms. Pond, we're going to help you lie on your back so we can check on your baby." one of them said. I nodded, willing to comply to medical professionals if it meant I would know my baby was safe--even if they _were_ the enemy  


They were extra careful as they turned me. I let a cry escape my clenched teeth as I rested my head back on a pillow they'd placed on the table. I could feel tears burning in my eyes and forced them back. She would _not_ see me cry.  


A medic slid my shirt up over my stomach and ran his fingers over every inch, watching me for any reaction to additional pain. There wasn't any. They brought out a medical scanner and I shut my eyes, squeezing them tightly and willing my body to relax through the agony.  


They continued to test me as I mentally went through each part of my body and let go bit by bit. The pain began to lessen and I released the remaining tension. All at once, it was gone. I opened my eyes, surprised to see the medics still stumped. They hadn't done anything.  


I let out a shaky breath and struggled to sit up. One of the men helped me, startled.  


"Are you still--"  


I shook my head and braced myself on the edge of the table. "Did you see anything wrong with--"  


Her shook his head. "Your baby is healthy, and we couldn't find anything else."  


I sighed and whispered a thank you as Kovarian's heels clicked behind me.  


"What happened?" she demanded.  


I turned on her, letting some of my anger go. "What do you care?" I seethed, "You've already won. He's dead and he's not coming back. I get to live my life with _maybe_ and occasional visit from a past version of him, but he'll always end up leaving me. Why can't you just leave us to suffer? What more could you possibly want?"  


"I _want_ to help. For selfish reasons, of course--who could pass up the opportunity of this child?"  


I scoffed and ran a hand over my swollen belly. "Of course you do."  


"Well, I'm not going to take it from you, if that's what you're thinking." she said, sitting next to me.  


She was _repulsive_. I nearly gaged at her almost-motherly gesture--even her voice had gone soft for a moment. I knew this woman. I knew what she was capable of. She wasn't fit to be a mother.  


"Well I gues I'm in luck, then." I said sarcastically.  


"Tell me about how this pregnancy works exactly."  


I laughed bitterly. "In about two months, I'll go into labor and the baby and I will probably be dead."  


She made a noise. "What do you mean?"  


"There's about a 6% chance _one_ of us will survive. And a 2% chance we both will." I said quietly, still holding back my tears. It was one thing I hadn't mentioned to the Doctor yet.  


"What?" she asked breathily, "How long have you known that?"  


I didn't like this conversation. A caring Kovarian was _not_ in my realm of understanding.  


"Since before it all."  


She pulled a face, confused. "Why would you risk it if you knew it was likely to kill you?"  


"He's the only man I've ever loved who returned my love with more devotion than I ever thought possible. It's the only chance I have of keeping a part of him with me--thanks ever so very much to you." I snapped, turning away from her, "I'd rather die in an effort to save a piece of him than live with no hope." It was true. Even if I _did_ have him now--I would give up everything.  


She walked away without another word. I knew she was trying to come up with a way to increase the odds in my favor, but it didn't matter. I couldn't-- _wouldn't_ \--trust her.  


I lay back and pointed my face away from her. I didn't want to think about the situation. My Doctor wasn't here--No one knew what had caused that agony of a few minutes before--and I was probably going to be dead in a few weeks.  


_Oh, Doctor, my love. Where are you?_


	16. Chapter 16

The next couple of days brought nothing but confused tension due to Kovarian's efforts to _help_ me, and several more painful episodes with no explanations.  


I spent the time in between keeping to myself and running over images of books I'd read on the oddity of this pregnancy and how it worked in an effort to find _something_ I'd missed.  


I finally did. These seemingly random pain attacks were normal in Timelord pregnancies--though 'normal' didn't seem to be a word I would have used in this case. I wasn't full Timelord--this wasn't just 'a tickle and/or slight twinge on occasion'. It _hurt_.  


Having discovered this knowledge made it less stressful when each wave hit. In the midst of all these panics, I'd made a silent friendship with the medic who'd been so kind to me the first time. Now that it was old hat, he'd simply rush to my side and allow me to squeeze his hand tightly while he instructed his underlings in their work.  


I always found myself somehow imagining his hand belonged to the Doctor. I knew it wasn't true--but if I shut my eyes and thought of his face--  


"Melody, darling, there's someone here to see you."  


I looked up at Kovarian in confusion, she pointed to the door on my other side.  


"You have five minutes."  


The doors slid open and I gasped. A clumsy looking man in a tweed suit and bright red bow tie stumbled in and looked up at me with relief through his floppy brown hair.  


"River!"  


I choked on a sob as he raced over to me and pulled me into his warm embrace.  


"Hello, sweetie." I whispered, reaching up and pulling his forehead to mine and kissing his lips softly.  


_Don't do anything stupid, darling. You have to make her believe you're a young Doctor--before Lake Silencio_. I thought to him through our connected foreheads.  


He kissed me deeper, pushing a reply back gently.  


_I'm so sorry it's taken me so long. Your bloody handcuffs are sonic-proof and the TARDIS wouldn't tell us where the keys were at first. Are you alright?_ _  
_

I broke away from him and smiled, not wanting to give Kovarian any reason to be suspicious.  


"River?" he asked, worried that I hadn't answered him.  


I straitened his bow tie. "Fine, my love--for now."  


He swallowed and glanced around. "What's all this?"  


I laced my fingers through his and leaned my head into his chest. "She _claims_ she's trying to help, but I'm not sure I can--"  


He raised an eyebrow at my sudden cut off. My grip on his hand slowly tightened as the familiar pain began to build up.  


I let out a soft whimper and clutched at his shirt.  


"River--what--"  


I shook my head at him, unable to answer as I lowered myself onto my side and clung to him with all my strength. The medical team rushed over and began their routine. I had tried to explain to them it wasn't necessary now that I knew what it was, but they'd persisted in their efforts each time.  


"Sweetie--" I whispered, pulling his lips to mine for an instant, "she won't let you stay here for much longer. I need to--"  


I sucked in a sharp breath and my thought left me.  


"What's happening?" he asked again, "Tell me, River."  


I gave him a pained smile and tried to relax my body.  


"It's just your baby growing, my love." I managed, "Nothing to worry about."  


He frowned. "It _is_ something to worry about. It's hurting you."  


The pain deadened and I pressed his hand to my lips. "The pain is hardly a surprise, sweetie. I'm not a full Timelord."  


He pursed his lips and I moved to sit up, ignoring the dull discomfort that remained throughout my body. He helped me sit and I wrapped my arms around his waist.  


"I don't think I can do this alone." I confessed in a whisper, "I _need_ you."  


He pulled my chin up and kissed me. His tongue slipped between my lips and begged for allowance through. I obliged, knowing he wild be gone again sooner than either of us wanted. His mouth was hot against mine and I smiled into his kiss. He broke away and began pressing small kisses to the top of my head while I normalized my breathing,  


"Time is up." Kovarian announced. There was something in her voice. Regret? Guilt? I wasn't sure, but it _sounded_ like she felt bad for taking him away from me.  


"Excuse me, sir."  


Our heads turned toward a young woman, no older than twenty, standing with a clip board and pen.  


"Hello, I'm the Doctor." he said cheerfully, swaying slightly in my embrace.  


She looked up at him in awe. "Are you _really_ a Timelord?" she asked shyly.  


He grinned proudly. "Yep! That's me!"  


She giggled and raised an eyebrow. "I just have a couple questions for you to answer before the guards escort you back to your phone box. How old are you?"  


"1098 last month." he announced, "Hell of a party, wasn't it?"  


I laughed and rolled my eyes. His 1098th birthday was much more than just a hell of a party. It was a night neither of us would soon forget.  


The woman finished her questions and looked at us apologetically.  


"I'll leave you to a quick goodbye."  


I swallowed my emotions and buried my face in his shoulder. "I _need_ you."  


He kissed my crown. "Trust me?"  


I locked gazes with him, searching for any semblance of hope.  


I saw a flicker of _something_. He wasnt lying to me. He _had_ a plan.  


I kissed him once more as the guards approached.  


"Always."


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO so sorry, guys! Been sick and then out of town. I'll be better! I will!

I kept expecting him to appear out of nowhere.  


Three days passed with no sign of him and I began to wonder what exactly he had in mind for a rescue. In any case, I finally resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't be running for a long while. My stomach was awkward and large and every position I sat in was uncomfortable. It was simply too big to fit in my lap now.  


"How are you feeling this evening? Ready for some dinner, I imagine."  


I had to give her credit. Kovarian _had_ been trying especially hard to make my life as easy as she had power to.  


"Yeah, I guess." I said, not really feeling all that hungry.  


Some men wheeled over a food cart with two place settings and we ate in silence. I still couldn't understand why she was trying to help me if she didn't want to take my baby from me.  


Dinner was cleared and I curled up on my side, more than ready to go to sleep for the night.  


"Do you need anything before you fall asleep, dear?"  


I shook my head. She couldn't give me what I needed. The Doctor was impossible to predict, but would come.  


The lights in the room dimmed and I began to drift.  


xxx

"River," a voice whispered, "River, it's Clara. Wake up, it's time to go."  


I opened my eyes sleepily and saw Clara standing above me. She rested a hand on my arm and waited while I took in what was happening.  


The silence in my darkened room was what confused me. We were sneaking out?  


I held out a hand and she helped me sit. I winced and tried to stretch to relieve some stiffness. Clara glanced around nervously.  


"Where's the Doctor?" I whispered, massaging my stomach as the baby began kicking in protest.  


"Finishing up negotiations. The TARDIS is back this way just around the corner. Think you can make it alright?"  


I stifled a laugh. "I'll be fine, dear. Where is my husband negotiating?"  


She pointed above and behind me. I glanced up and frowned. The lights were on in the room behind the glass. I could see him and Kovarian standing alone, talking seriously.  


"Clara, go back to the TARDIS and wait for us. Don't wander--we'll be there soon."  


She tried to protest, but I shook my head and started for the stairs. She turned on her heels and went the opposite direction. She was a good girl. I couldn't help but love her friendship.  


I stopped when I reached the door.  


"--if I'm alive or not, that woman and child are protected. Don't take this as a one off. Next time you come near either of them, you'll regret it."  


I smiled at his words. He was so wonderful.  


"I understand--and I don't doubt they'll be protected. She'll not come to any more harm by my hands, Doctor."  


I opened the door. She sounded remorseful--like she really wanted us to be free of her.  


"Sweetie, what are you doing?" I asked, looping my arm through his, still half asleep.  


"Just having a chat. We can go now. Come along, Song."  


I stayed in place as he tried to pull me toward the door, my eyes glued on Kovarian's face.  


"Give me a second?" I asked. He understood he wasn't to argue. He kissed my temple and stepped outside, leaving me alone with her.  


"I don't know why you're doing this--or--or if you're even going to actually let us go free--I may regret this one day, but I hope not." I said, pushing back my tears, " _Tha_ _nk you._ "  


She smiled and the hard likes on her face softened for a moment. "You'd better get going. I'll pull the alarm once you're safely inside."  


"Why? Why are you helping us after all--"  


She sighed and turned away. "You and I have lead remarkably similar lives, Melody. The only difference is that your strength and love pulled you through to freedom. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to manage that--I'm just not quite that strong."  


I knit my eyebrows together in confusion. What on earth was she talking about? Before I could ask, she crossed to the wall and hovered her fingers over the alarm button.  


"River, come on, love," the Doctor said, pulling me gently, but firmly towards the door.  


My mind was still running her words through over and over when we reached the TARDIS.  


"Did you hear her? What she said to me at the last?" I asked him as he sat me on the sofa. He returned to the console just as the alarms began sounding.  


"No," he replied as he flew us safely into the vortex, "I only came in for you after she waved me in to collect you."  


I hadn't even noticed her do that.  


"She said she and I--" I stopped as the air left my lungs.  


"River?!"  


I reached my hand out for his and sucked in a breath as I tried not to let the pain overtake me. He kissed my hand and began rubbing little circles into it out of worry.  


"River we have to get you to a hospital or--or-- _something_." he pleaded.  


"Don't be ridiculous," I said through gritted teeth, "They couldn't do a thing."  


He carefully shifted my upper body into his arms and held me through the worst of it. A couple minutes later, I felt my body beginning to relax and took in a slow deep breath.  


"I need to tell you something, my love." I whispered, "It's important."  


He kissed my forehad and nodded. "I'm listening."  


"If something happens--to me and the baby--I need you to _promise_ me you'll save him or her before me." I said, tears clouding my eyes.  


"Hey," he said, filled with concern, "Nothing will happen, okay? You're both going to be brilliant."  


I bit the inside of my cheek and opened my mouth again. "There's only a 2% chance of that, sweetie--I _need_ to hear you promise you'll take care of the baby first. No matter what happens."  


He looked at me in shock. "2%? But River--"  


I sat up and got to my feet, one hand on my lower back to ease some of the burden. "Promise me," I insisted, "Promise me right now."  


Tears rolled down his cheeks. I knew I was being unfair--I just needed to know the baby would be safe.  


He shook his head. "I can't promise that, River. I can't promise that I'll save one of you over the other. God, I love you both _so much_. How could you--"  


"Doctor--" I started.  


"Could you do it? If it were me, could you do it?"  


I didn't answer. I honestly didn't know if I could.  


"River, we can do this." he said. I didn't miss the hint of uncertainty.  


I took his hand and squeezed it. "Go check on Clara, darling. I'll see you up in our room." I kissed him softly and started for the corridor. He would take his time getting there, but I knew he would--And when he came in, he will have already pushed aside the horrifying statistics against us and started trying to find a way to right it.  


And I would already be asleep.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Being sick is literally the WORST okay. I'm so sorry! I'm trying really hard...

I slept horribly.  


 

My dreams were fast paced and confusing and I struggled to stay asleep for more than a few minutes at a time.  


 

I sat strait up in bed--gasping for air.  


 

"River? Darling what's wrong this time?" the Doctor asked, half asleep, but genuinely concerned.  


 

I sighed as he sat up and moved closer to me.  


 

"Just a dream," I said, failing to mask my emotions, "I didn't mean to wake you, my love."  


 

He frowned and kissed my head. "Tell me your dream." he insisted.  


 

"It was nothing--just normal mum dreams. I'm just tired. Sleep isn't getting me anywhere. I think I'll have a shower and go read a book or something."  


 

I moved to get up but he stopped me and pressed his lips to my shoulder. "River, please." he whispered.  


 

I sighed and lay back down with him. One hand slid over my stomach and rested on my back.  


 

"What sort of mum dreams are you having, love?"  


 

"I--The ones where everything goes wrong, or it goes alright at first and then I mess everything up because I'm horrible at being a mum--Things like that. It shouldn't get to me--I'm just being silly." I swallowed and forced back my tears. It _was_ silly, wasn't it?

 

 

He kissed my forehead and began tracing his fingers over my skin. "Nothing is going to go wrong. You're going to be a brilliant mum."  


 

I buried my face in his chest and shut my eyes. "I'm _scared_ , Doctor." I confessed.  


 

He hugged me tighter and kissed the top of my head. "So am I, love." he whispered, "Properly scared. I can't bare the thought of--But you know what? It's all going to turn out perfectly because I have a plan."  


 

I let out a short laugh. "Oh? An actual plan?"  


 

He rolled his eyes. " _Yes_. An actual plan. Because _nothing_ is going to take you away from me ever again, River." he said firmly. I kissed him softly and turned onto my other side.  


 

"What is your plan, then?" I asked trying to get comfortable again.  


 

"Shhh," he hushed, running his fingers through my hair, "You need to sleep. I'll keep the dreams away for tonight."  


 

"But, sweetie, I--"  


 

"No arguments, River. Just shut your eyes and relax. Let me help you."  


 

I didn't want him to be up all night just for me, but he wouldn't accept my refusal.  


 

"I love you." I said softly as I settled into my pillow.  


 

"I love you, too."  


 

xXx

  
When I woke, the Doctor was still awake, watching me closely through tired eyes.  


 

I yawned and stretched. "Sweetie, how long has it been since you slept properly?"  


 

"Not long. How are you feeling?"  


 

I pushed myself up sat with my back strait. "I'm alright. Better--now that I've slept." I kissed him softly and brushed his hair off to the side, "Thank you, Doctor."  


 

He grinned and climbed off the bed. "What's for breakfast, love? Your wish is my command."  


 

I laughed and pulled him back into the tangled sheets. "I think I have something in mind."


	19. Chapter 19

"Clara? We're here. We've got to be quick about this, so no lagging behind."  


 

Clara stepped up beside me and the Doctor grabbed my hand and started for the door. We were just outside the time distortion that encompassed New York. It was a little town called Smithfield.  


 

"So there's a time thing and we can't get any closer than this?" Clara asked.  


 

I shook my head. "And we can't be here long either. The paradox would explode reality. We have to send the parcel by mail."  


 

We continued walking in silence at a slow pace. I felt like a balloon. My waddling couldn't possibly be attractive.  


 

I winced and stopped walking. "God, darling, could you have a word with your child? I'd rather like to get this over with with a bit less kicking."  


 

He led me to a bench and sat me down as the baby continued its kickboxing. Clara sat down next to me and looked around anxiously.  


 

"Better?" he asked. I shook my head and pressed his hands into my side.  


 

" _Ow!_ " he whined. Clara giggled and I rolled my eyes.  


 

The Doctor sunk to his knees in front of me and leaned in until his face was an inch or two away from my stomach.  


 

"Hello, love! It's just daddy. Listen, could you--stretch a bit softer? Mummy needs a break, yeah? Good." he whispered, then pressed a kiss to my shirt and stood.  


 

I sighed in relief as the kicking stopped. I could still feel the baby moving around, which was a bit uncomfortable--but considerably better than the kicking.  


 

"How did you do that?" Clara asked in astonishment, "How did you--"  


 

"I speak baby." he said proudly, grabbing his lapels and rocking back on his heels, "Don't I, River?"  


 

I laughed. "You wish."  


 

He sputtered and I reached for his hand.

 

"Come on, you two. Lets get this off to the postman and head back to the TARDIS."

  
The Doctor took the lead again, slightly more anxious this time. He must have realized what was on my mind. A pain attack in this century would likely get us into trouble, and it had been a while since the last one.  


 

We reached the post office and the Doctor insisted Clara stay outside and make sure I stayed sitting on a short wooden bench beside the door.  


 

"Why is he so fussy all the sudden?" she asked with a roll of her eyes.  


 

I smiled and took her hand. "He's worried the baby might have a little growspert before we get back to the TARDIS." I explained.  


 

"Why does it matter we're on the TARDIS?"  


 

"Because, dear--it's his baby. It's complicated. I'm complicated. He's complicated--We're a right mess, to be honest. It's incredibly painful when it grows. He doesn't want it to happen someplace where he can't be in control of what's around us."  


 

She looked at me through worried eyes. "Why does it hurt?"  


 

The Doctor returned empty handed with a grin. "All done. Lets get you ladies back to the TARDIS."  


 

"River--"  


 

I stood and cupped her cheek in my hand. "Later, darling. One thing at a time."  


 

She went quiet, but concern was written across her brow as we walked and she fell two steps behind us, lost in thought.  


 

"Still feeling alright?"  


 

I looked up and him and squeezed his hand. "Much better now that my parents are settled. Thank you for keeping your promise, sweetie."  


 

He opened the TARDIS door for me and Clara, then set to work getting us back into the vortex.  


 

I pulled Clara toward the den and called back over my shoulder, "We'll be in the den, love. No tinkering--she'll only get cross."  


 

He mumbled a reply and waved his hand at us as we left.  


 

I lowered myself onto the sofa carefully and put my feet up on the coffee table.  


 

"I sort of miss being able to see my feet." I joked. We laughed and settled into conversation comfortably before she brought up what I had said before.  


 

"So why does it hurt? I mean--it shouldn't, should it?"  


 

I sighed. "Well, ideally, no. But like I said, we're complicated. I'm not a full Timelord, and this pregnancy is different than regular human pregnancy. It hurts because I'm part human--my body isn't quite made right for this baby to develop in."  


 

She considered me carefully. "How is it different?"  


 

"It's shorter, I've got to deal with the pain, there will be a bit of an odd time shift before I go into labor, and--" I hesitated, knowing she would probably react badly to the next bit, but went on anyway--she deserved the truth, "and I'll probably die giving birth. He's a ridiculous man, Clara, but I'd do anything for him--anything to make him happy. Even if it means my life."  


 

"It's not going to mean your life."  


 

We jumped and the Doctor stepped toward us from the doorway with a serious and determined look on his face.  


 

"River, I won't let that happen."  


 

I sighed and rolled my eyes as he sat down next to me. "We've talked about this, dear." I said flatly, "you know the rules."  


 

I heard a sniffle and remembered Clara sitting across from me.  


 

"Oh, Clara, darling, it's alright." I cooed, leaning foreward and putting my arms around her.  


 

She hugged me tightly and swallowed her tears. "I don't understand why--"  


 

I stopped her with a finger to her lips. "Don't try to understand, hmm? It makes things a lot less complicated."  


 

She nodded and stood to pace, lost in her own mind as the Doctor took my hand and kissed my temple.  


 

"You're going to be a brilliant mum, love." he whispered in my ear.  


 

I smiled at him, but all I could think about was how I only had a few short weeks left to be with him.  


 

I was almost relieved when the pain finally began to build. My relief was short-lived as a bolt of strong pain hit. I whimpered softly and clutched at his hand.  


 

"Oh, god, I hate this!" he mumbled, frantically trying to think of something he could do to help, "Watching you--"  


 

I shot him a desperate look and held on tighter as the pain continued to swell. I didn't need him talking about it. I needed him to be my rock.  


 

"Clara, could you fetch a glass of water?" he said, turning to her. I glanced up through blurry vision to see her watching frozen panic.  


 

"Clara!" he said louder, finally snapping her out of it, "Water, please, quickly."  


 

She glanced at me again and then shot off toward the kitchen.  


 

"Shhh," he hushed as I let out a choked sob, "You're going to be fine. Just a bit more and it'll be over."  


 

I shut my eyes and gulped in deep breaths of air. Was it just me, or was it getting worse each time?  


 

He continued to whisper and press kisses to my head until _finally_ , blessedly, the pain ebbed away and I relaxed.  


 

Clara came back just then with a glass of water, still in a panic.  


 

"Thank you, Clara," I said cheerily, trying to ease her worry, "Come over here and sit, dear--you look terrible."  


 

She obeyed a little stiffly, but relaxed as I took the glass from her hand and placed my hand in its stead.  


 

"Doctor, I--"

 

"No, River." he said, reading my mind, "I'm staying."  


 

I kissed his cheek. Bless him--the idiot. "I need you to, my love. I'm fine now. Clara will stay with me."  


 

He hesitated, but stood and retreated out of the room.  


 

"I didn't mean to scare you." I said after a few moments of silence, "I never wanted you to see--"

 

She stared at her feet and stopped me with a shake of her head. "I know. I just--it was _horrible_ \--I felt completely helpless--I can't--"

"I'm alright. I'm always alright, okay?" I said with a smile as I brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear, "You don't have to worry about me."  


 

She said nothing. I wasn't sure she was convinced.


	20. Chapter 20

The Doctor and Clara both objected when I told them I was going back to Stormcage. I still needed the photograph I'd gone back for--I wasn't taking no for an answer.  


"You don't understand, sweetie," I tried, reaching around him for the controls on the console, "I _have_ to go back. It's important to me."  


He blocked me. "Then let me come with you." he insisted.  


I shook my head. "It's still a surprise, my love--Clara can come. Please?"  


I gave up trying to get past him and sat down, exhausted. I could tell he wanted to argue, but Clara stepped forward. "Or--I could just go grab whatever it is you need, River. You look tired. I'll pop out and back in. Won't be a mo'."  


I sighed resignedly. She was right. I was too tired right now. "Alright."  


The Doctor nodded his agreement too and flew the TARDIS to Stormcage.  


"Right." he said, "No detours. Be quick and quiet."  
I grabbed her wrist and pulled her down to whisper in her ear.  


"There's a file folder on the bed. Don't spill it, and _don't let him see_."  


She smiled and giggled. "Oh, I'm looking forward to whatever it is."  


I laughed and she winked at me as the Doctor began to ask questions. "What did you say to her, River? Why--"  


"You'll see in time, sweetie. Come here--she'll be right back."  


He came and sat next to me, still distractedly watching the door as it shut behind Clara.  


"Are you sure about this, River?" he asked.  


"About what?" I asked, confused.  


"Are you sure you want her to see Stormcage properly."  


I shivered at the suggestion. "She's only going to my cell--She'll be okay as long as she doesn't wander too far. It's one of the--nicer ones."  


There was a very good reason Stormcage was the very nightmare of every criminal and saint. It was dark and dirty--prisoners were left to their own filth and stink, prison uniforms were rarely washed, blood and grime caked the walls and floors--a memento to all the victims of the prison's resident torturer. I was lucky to be able to escape so often--lucky I had somewhere to go and someone to love and care for me when I couldn't take the abusive and lonely hell anymore.  


"Did I ever thank you?" I asked quietly.  


"For what?" he asked, kissing my head.  


"For being here. For all the times I had to run back to you when I couldn't stay."  


He clicked his tongue and pulled me into his embrace. "River Song--I will always be here for you when you need me."  


I pushed back my tears and kissed his cheek.  


"Was it worth it?" he whispered after another minute.  


"Was what worth it?"  


"The time you spent in there--The pain of our timelines--I just wonder what I ever did to deserve you."  


"Of course it was worth it," I said, smiling, "It was all worth it. And this will be too." I guided his hand to my stomach.  


The door opened and Clara shot down the corridor at a full run. I started to laugh.  


"What on earth--"  


I cupped his cheek in my hand and kissed him. "Don't try and figure it out, love. I've got work to do."  


I allowed him to help me to my feet, then followed Clara down the corridor at a much slower pace as he flew us back into the vortex.  


 

\------------  


 

The longer I searched for Clara, the more convinced I became that she'd seen more than just my cell. Guilt tightened in my chest. I couldn't explain the maternal feelings I'd so quickly developed toward her. It was so easy to love her, and I could tell she saw me as a mother figure at least to a point. What had I been thinking when I agreed to let her go in there?  
I opened the door to the den and spotted the file folder on the coffee table. I crossed to it and gathered it up, but didn't see Clara anywhere. When I got back into the corridor, I sighed and pressed my palm to the wall.  


"Please?" I asked, exhausted.  


The TARDIS moaned in sympathy and a door appeared across from me. I said a quick thank you and then knocked softly on the door and entered. Clara's room was simple and clean. I suspected the TARDIS had originally given her more things than this and that she had simplified it to her taste. She was sitting on the bed with her back to me, facing the window the TARDIS had simulated for her.   


I swallowed and approached her, sitting down next to her and reaching across her lap for her hand.  


"Hey," I said quietly, "You okay?"  


She looked up at me, eyes glazed over in obvious shock.  


"Exploring isn't always rewarding, darling," I said solemnly.  


She knitted her eyebrows questioningly and her mouth moved up and down, but no words came out.  


I smiled and hugged her to my side. "I'm going to repeat what I said earlier, Clara. I love that man. I would do anything for him--no matter the cost. Stormcage--It was terrible, but I never doubted his love for me or that he would be there to take me away from it all when I needed."  


She finally managed to speak. "But, River, that place--You were there for _so long_ \--How?"  


I gave her hand a small squeeze and then stood. "I walked away every time it got to be too much. I came home. The Doctor was always here waiting with a hot bath running and medical supplies when I was hurt--I was very lucky."  


She stood with me and I watched her as she visibly pushed her questions and emotions back and linked her arm in mind. "Okay. What exactly is our plan?"  


I laughed and un-linked our arms. "Right now? Sleep. We'll get started tomorrow, yeah?"  


"Alright, then. Let's get you to bed." she said, her smile bright again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are so sweet with your get well messages. Thank you! I'm hanging in there. Sorry it's been a while. I hope you're all still enjoying it! -xx


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Life has been INSANE. Thank you for your wonderful get well messages and for your support while I wrote this. AND for being so patient. It's 100% finished now--I've moved across the country and recovered enough to finish this. I owe you guys one!

The next morning, Clara and I left the Doctor in the console room to put my plan into action. Actually, I didn't need Clara for my project, but I enjoyed her company immensely and I had thought of something different for her to work on.

 

"You're good with computers, right?" I asked as we settled on the couch in the den to discuss the day's events.

 

"Yep! Something I never thought in a million years would happen, but hey, what can I say? Total screaming genius."

 

I laughed and handed her a small computer. "Good. I have something important I need you to do for me."

 

She raised an eyebrow at me.

 

"Oh yeah? What's so important? And why aren't you asking the Doctor to do it?"

 

I sighed. "He's already working through enough as it is. He'd probably mess it all up. I need you to hack into the Silence's database and pull a couple of files."

 

Her brow furrowed. "Why? We only  _just_  got rid of them."

 

"It's just something Madame Kovarian said to me--I'm not chasing anyone, Clara. I just need some information."

 

She seemed satisfied enough for the time being. "Alright. I'll do it. What are you going to do with whatever is in that folder?"

 

I smiled and pulled out the picture I'd planned on painting on the wall in the nursery. My eyes scanned the smiling faces staring up at me and I handed it to Clara.

 

"I'm going to paint this in the baby's room. My mum and dad. The Doctor practically gave this elderly man a heart attack when he screamed out for him to come take a picture of the four of us. He had to show him how to use the camera--it had to have been around 85 AD or so. He had no idea what was going on--poor thing. The Roman Coliseum in her prime--The last trip we took as a family before everything changed."

 

Clara smiled at the picture and ran a finger over each face lightly. "He got a great shot. You can tell how happy you all are. It's going to look amazing in the nursery, River."

 

I laughed and gathered my art supplies. "That's what I'm hoping, anyway. Come on, we both better get to work.

 

XxX

 

I had nearly finished my father's outline when I felt the pain begin to rise. My mind flashed back to Clara's face the last time she'd had to witness the agony and I tried to keep my voice casual.

 

"Clara, could you pop downstairs and grab a stool from the kitchen?" I asked quickly.

 

She glanced up from the computer and nodded distractedly before she vanished into the hall. I collapsed into her chair and shut my eyes tightly, forcing myself to be silent.

 

It was  _not_  easy.

 

I knew it was getting worse. I knew I should tell the Doctor. But he couldn't do anything about it, so I kept putting it off.

 

My limbs were still aching slightly when Clara returned. I smiled and stood, thanking her absentmindedly as I went back to work on the wall.

 

It was getting close. I could tell.

 

Soon.

 

Too soon.

 

I shook the thoughts from my head and focused on my art. There had to be a faster way to do this--at this rate, I wouldn't finish before--

 

"Ah ha!"

 

I started and turned to Clara. "What is it?" I asked, moving to her side.

 

"I've just broken the first security pass code. Two more--and the best part is they'll never know. I'm undetectable." she stated proudly.

 

I smiled. "Brilliant--that's what you are. How long do you think the rest will take?" I asked anxiously.

 

"I'll be done before dinner."

 

I nodded distractedly and headed for the door.

 

"Keep working. I'll be right back."

 

I found the Doctor in the library trying to look busy.

 

"River!" he cried, jumping down from the step stool and rushing to my side to guide me to sit, "What is it?"

 

I smiled wearily at him and sighed. "It's getting close, my love." I whispered, "I think we need to talk about this."

 

He frowned and swallowed. "Are you sure? I mean--how soon could it--"

 

"Tomorrow at the latest, I think." I said as I shifted and massaged my stomach with a wince, "Can't you feel it? The pressure is building up and building up--something big is about to happen and it has everything to do with the baby."

 

He shut his eyes and sucked in a breath as he let himself feel the buildup I had been feeling. "Oh, River--" he breathed.

 

I hushed him and leaned into his side. "It's alright, my love." I said, "If I don't--"

 

"No." He shot to his feet and began pacing. "You're going to be fine--  _both of you_."

 

"Doctor, I don't think--" I tried, but he stopped me again.

 

"I can't lose you." he choked, "Not again--Not ever. Please, River."

 

I took his hand and pressed a kiss to his palm. "I'm not giving up, sweetie."

 

He nodded and helped me back to my feet. "Bed. Now." he insisted.

 

I laughed. "I've only been up a couple of hours, darling--I've got work to do."

 

"No," he said as he guided me to our room, "You'll do it from here and you won't leave my sight, is that understood?"

 

I pulled a face. "That's a bit excessive, isn't it? Besides, I left Clara working on something and I'm going to need her."

 

"I'll get her. Here take these" he said offering me a pair of dark green gloves and a pair of glasses, "You can finish whatever you're doing from here."

 

I took them and sat down heavily on the bed. "And what exactly will you be doing?" I asked suspiciously.

 

He grinned. "Sitting right here beside you and making sure you're taken care of."

 

I smiled and let him adjust the pillows behind me so I could sit up. "Don't get Clara, darling--I'll do it." I said as I sat back and began pulling on the gloves he'd given me, "Tea?"

 

He nodded his agreement and moved to head for the kitchen, then paused and turned back to me. "Don't move." he insisted.

 

I sighed. "I don't think I could if I tried, my love."

 

My admission brought a somber glint to his eyes and he sat down next to me. "I'm so sorry, River." he whispered, "I had no idea--I just wanted--"

 

I raised my finger to his lips and met his gaze. "It's not your fault, Doctor. This was  _our_  decision. Don't  _ever_  apologize for this."

 

I wrapped my fingers around his wrist and guided his hand to my swollen stomach. The Doctor smiled through his tears and kissed me gently.

 

"Tea?" I said again when he pulled away, and he jumped to his feet with a grin.

"Tea."


	22. Chapter 22

I used the gloves and glasses the Doctor gave me to help the TARDIS finish my work on the nursery wall while Clara sat at the holographic window with her computer. Using the technology had pushed me ahead time-wise, and my work was more or less finished well before dinner.

 

"I--I've--I've got it!"

 

I slipped my hands out of the gloves and lifted the glasses. "You're in?" I asked excitedly, "Brilliant! Bring it over."

 

Clara obeyed and climbed into bed next to me with the computer on her lap.

 

"What files did you need?" she asked, fingers ready.

 

"Jillian Kovarian and Melody Pond."

 

The Doctor shot up from his seat, already shaking his head. "River, you shouldn't--"

 

"Stop it--This is important." I hushed as Clara pulled both files and handed the computer to me.

 

I scrolled through my file first, none of it surprising.

 

"Who is she?" Clara asked, referring, of course, to me.

 

"It's me. This is my file." I answered, "I used to--"

 

"  _You?_ " she asked, eyes scanning the words on the screen, "But, River this isn't--this should have killed you."

 

I swallowed and closed the file before she could get any farther. "It--did. It's not important right now, Clara, darling--I promise I'll explain it all to you later."

 

She frowned, but sat back as I pulled open Kovarian's file and began reading.

 

"Clara?"

 

The Doctor's voice startled me and I glanced over to see Clara frozen in place, looking troubled.

 

"Clara?" he asked again, still no answer.

 

"Oh, God--" I breathed, turning back to the computer quickly.

 

"What is it?"

 

"The time shift--The baby's coming." I said quickly, resuming my focus on the file. I didn't have long before the labor would start.

 

"River, you can't mean--"

 

I ignored him and continued to read deeper into Kovarian's file.

 

"We have to go." I said quickly, shutting the computer and throwing my legs off the side of the bed.

 

"Go?!  _Where_?!" he asked, stopping me with a hand on my arm.

 

"She's not bad, Doctor. She's like me--tortured--trained--brainwashed. But they messed something up because she's unraveling," I said, pulling him toward the console room as quickly as my body would let me, "They're going to kill her if they find out."

 

He stopped in his tracks, bringing us both to a halt at the top of the stairs. "You mean we're going to go back to their headquarters? River, you're about to give birth--"

 

I rolled my eyes and started down the stairs. "That's right. And I'm sure as hell not letting  _you_  deliver this baby."

 

He scoffed and raced down after me. "I'll have you know that I am perfectly capable of--"

 

I gasped and clutched at my belly as the first contraction hit me. "God, this is really not the time for arguing, sweetie--just get us there." I ordered, collapsing back onto the sofa.

 

He obeyed with panic in his eyes, then glanced at me for the signal.

 

I pulled my blaster out of the holster under the sofa and nodded.

 

One lever.

 

One lever and suddenly we had seven soldiers and Madam Kovarian standing in the console room.

 

Seven shots later, we were far less crowded.

 

"What--Melody? Doctor?"

 

"What made you change your mind?" I asked quietly, "What made you start to doubt?"

 

Kovarian swallowed and looked down at her feet. "You." she whispered, "You found love that lasted far longer than death, despite every complication that stood in your way. And  _he_  loved you in return."

 

I holstered the gun and smiled. "Welcome aboard, Jillian."

 

Her face brightened at the sound of her name. "No one's called me that in--"

 

I winced and shut my eyes tightly. Immediately they were both at my side.

 

"River?"

 

I reached for his hand and smiled. "Shut up, you idiot." I teased between breaths.

 

Kovarian moved to my feet and the Doctor sat behind me.

 

"It's going to be alright, my love," he whispered next to my ear, "Both of you--All of us."

 

I nodded and took in several deep breaths.

 

"Ready to push?" Kovarian asked from her position.

 

I nodded and gripped the Doctor's hand harder as I followed her instructions.

 

"Wait--Stop," she said suddenly, "There's something--"

 

I fell back against the Doctor, breathing heavily.

 

"What is it?" he asked worriedly.

 

"There's something else here--Hang on." she muttered.

 

I winced as she began to examine me, then something else drew my attention. The Doctor's hand in mine. Glowing yellow tendrils of light were swirling from it and dancing around my arm.

 

"Stop it." I ordered, pulling my hand away. He held tighter.

 

"I won't lose you today." he insisted.

 

"Oh my God--I don't believe this--"

 

I yanked my hand out of his grip and turned to Kovarian.

 

"What is it?"

 

"Nevermind, just yet--Come on and push."

 

I looked up at the Doctor and blinked to clear my vision. "Sweetie, please--" I pleaded softly, "I can't do this without you."

 

He swallowed hard and nodded reluctantly. "I'll try, River--but you  _know_  I can't stop it now that it's started."

 

I bit my lip and took his hand anyway. "Promise me you won't do it." I insisted.

 

"River, you need to push now." Kovarian said urgently, "This baby needs to come out--The other isn't doing so--"

 

"The other?" I asked suddenly, "What--"

 

"Oh, God, there's  _two_?"

 

Kovarian nodded. "Didn't you--Nevermind that--One thing at a time. Push."

 

I obeyed mechanically, my thoughts lost elsewhere. Twins? How could we not have known? How could  _she_  not have known?

 

"Alright, that's the shoulders--Once more--"

 

I gave a final push then began laughing as strangled cries filled the room

 

"It's a girl!" she announced.

 

The Doctor shifted out from behind me and took her into his arms.

 

"She's so perfect, River," he breathed as he supported her in my arms.

 

I looked down into the little face staring up at me and bit back tears. "Yeah--She is." I choked.

 

"Alright, I know this isn't a convenient place to interrupt, but there's another baby that needs to come out and we don't have much time."

 

I swallowed and nodded to the Doctor as he took our baby girl back into his arms and reached for my hand.

 

As I began pushing again, my head began to feel light and my stomach curled into knots.

 

"Clara," I mumbled between breaths, "Doctor, go get Clara."

 

He watched my eyes close and I felt his grip suddenly loosen.

 

"Clara!" he called as his footsteps faded, "Clara!"

 

"River, listen to me," Kovarian's voice was calm, but firm, "You have to fight to stay awake--I can't promise you'll pull out of it. If you fall asleep, this baby may not make it either."

 

"I'm--" I started, then stopped as footsteps filled my ears again.

 

"River?"

 

"Clara, darling, I can't--"

 

"Here, take the baby and go find more towels and blankets for the next--" the Doctor instructed, returning to my side and slipping in behind me again with a kiss to my temple.

 

"Next? Next what?"

 

The Doctor let out a giggle. "Twins! Twins, Clara!"

 

I smiled, eyes still shut in concentration.

 

"River--"

 

"Sweetie, you know I love you, don't you?" I said, my breathing strained as I struggled to stay conscious.

 

His grip tightened on my hand and I felt the stinging heat of regeneration energy again.

 

"Doctor, don't--"

 

"No, River." he said through his teeth, "Don't tell me not to. You did the same for me and you'd do it again and again--Let me do this."

 

I couldn't speak. My vocal chords stopped working altogether and my lungs began to burn.

 

"I love you, River Song." he whispered, "Let me save you."

 

I couldn't tell him. I couldn't ask him--beg him not to do this. I couldn't even say how much it hurt.

 

"River, push!"

 

I let myself scream.

 

Up until this point, I'd held it in--my will to remain strong in the presence of others winning out over the pain of giving birth. But now? Now I had the pain of regeneration energy tearing apart and re-healing every cell in my body at the same time.

 

"River!"

 

I struggled to get my hand away from his.

 

"The head is out--We need to move faster."

 

He fought me and I screamed again, pulling away from him desperately.

 

"River?!"

 

I pressed my free hand over my eyes and concentrated.

 

"Sweetie, let go," I pleaded.

 

"I can't, River, you can't die--"

 

"You're losing control, Doctor--I can't--it's too much--" I managed, finally getting my hand free and collapsing back into his chest.

 

The stinging didn't stop, but it deadened enough that I could control myself as per Kovarian's instructions. I gripped his shirt tightly and his arms wrapped around me from behind, his fists balled to keep the energy where it was meant to be.

 

"Stop--Stop pushing, River!"

 

I couldn't open my eyes. I was so tired.

 

"Give me just one--second--" Kovarian muttered as she worked, "Alright--One last go."

 

I couldn't move. I tried to move my fingers. I tried to move my toes. Nothing was working.

 

"River, wake up--" the Doctor cried.

 

His voice seemed far away for some reason.

 

Suddenly, I was standing next to him, looking over his shoulder at my limp body and Kovarian's frantic hands as she tried to help the baby out.

 

I stumbled forward and his eyes latched onto me.

 

"  _No_ \--" he whispered, "No! Don't you  _dare!_  "

 

I blinked as tears began to sting my eyes. "I didn't--I don't want to--"

 

"River, look at me." he insisted. I wiped away a tear and met his gaze.

 

"You're not going anywhere. You're going to come back."

 

I shook my head. "  _How_ , sweetie--I can't even--"

 

"I don't care how. Get back in this body, or I swear I'll--"

 

"Doctor? Who are you talking to?"

 

He stopped and looked back at Kovarian.

 

"River--She's--standing just there--"

 

I choked on a laugh and took a step forward towards my body.

 

"Only you, then?" I teased half-heartedly.

 

"Who else?" he countered sadly.

 

"It's a boy--" Kovarian announced distractedly as another cry filled the room.

 

"Don't you dare go, River--We've got two little babies who need a mum very badly."

 

I walked over to Kovarian's side and looked down at my son.

 

"Doctor?"

 

My head shot up as Clara entered with my baby girl in one arm and a stack of towels in the other.

 

"No--Don't let her see--" I started, but it was too late.

 

"River!" she screamed, dropping the towels and rushing over to kneel at my side.

 

"Come back," he mouthed, "Please--"

 

I began to cry again--this time out of frustration. "I don't know how!" I cried, "What do I do?"

 

Clara spoke next.

 

"Doctor--What's wrong with your hands?"

 

He looked down at the light and a determined face replaced the hopeless one he wore.

 

"No--Not that way," I begged.

 

"I have to." he said firmly, opening his hands and placing them over my hearts.

 

I felt the shock. I watched him frown in concentration over my body, but nothing was happening except pain.

 

"Doctor," I gasped, "It's too much--"

 

"No!" he shouted, "Come  _back_!"

 

I fell to my knees and cried out. "It's too much, sweetie--You can't give it back--You're killing me--"

 

"You're already dead."

 

His voice was barely a whisper as it reached my ears.

_Already dead._

_Already dead._

 

My head snapped up and my hand reached out toward my body. It hurt. It hurt  _so badly_.

 

I could do it.

 

I could.

 

I had to do it.

 

I had to.

 

My fingertip brushed the skin of my arm and pain and light erupted from behind my vision.

 

I screamed again and my eyes shot open.

 

The ceiling of the console room slowly came into focus and I began coughing.

 

"River?!"

 

I had to blink several times before I realized what had happened.

 

I was back.

 

I was in my body and breathing--sort of.

 

The Doctor gathered me in his arms tightly as I continued to cough.

 

"Don't  _ever_  scare me like that again." he said, emotion in his voice. I nodded weakly and tried to sit up.

 

"The babies--"

 

"Are perfect." Clara answered proudly, "But I don't understand--"

 

I smiled at her and winked. "Don't try to understand--remember?"

 

"It makes things a lot less complicated." she finished with a grin.

 

Kovarian stepped forward and placed my little boy in my arms. I smiled down at him, then looked back to her.

 

"Thank you." I whispered.

 

"No--Thank  _you_."

 

We sat in relative silence for a long while, exchanging coos over the tiny new faces in our arms every so often. I leaned heavily into the Doctor's arm, exhausted and aching from the regeneration energy still bouncing around inside me.

 

I spoke once the pain began to dull and I began to feel a little stronger.

 

"Sweetie, why don't you show Jillian to her room, hmm? I'm quite sure she's more than ready for a little bit of quiet."

 

The Doctor nodded, then helped me sit against the back of the sofa and slung an arm around Kovarian's shoulders as he led her away.

 

"I don't understand why she's--" Clara started, then stopped herself, "What I mean is--She was the bad guy for all these years, right? Why are you so trusting of her all of the sudden?"

 

I sighed and leaned my head back against the wall. "Sometimes it's better to have faith in people who are trying to change than to deny them of the support they need--more often than not it's exactly what makes the difference. If the Doctor hadn't had faith in me, I never would have saved him that first time I killed him. I would have let him go without batting a single eye. She's been brainwashed like I was, but for another purpose. She was  _made_  to be a ruthless tyrant and to condition me to be the assassin who would kill the Doctor. No brainwashing is full proof. There's always one thing that will pull the pin out and unravel it all."

 

Clara sat next to me and put her head on my shoulder.

 

"What is it?"

 

"The opposition. The contradiction. The exception--We were conditioned to believe no one could ever or  _would_  ever be able to love us for who and what we were. They took the concept of love and removed the option from our lives entirely. If one were to learn how unconditional love is, they would begin to see the fault in everything they'd been taught--things begin to crack and the free-thinking mind takes control again. It's just the beginning of the fight, but when people say love conquers all--They mean it."

 

"Clara, take the babies upstairs."

 

We turned as the Doctor returned and joined us. She carefully took both of them in her arms and started for our room.

 

I leaned heavily on his arm and shut my eyes.

 

"You did a really stupid thing today." I said, "You could have killed us both."

 

He shushed me and gathered me into his embrace. "You need to rest--Let's get you upstairs and I'll make you some tea." he offered, "When you're better, I swear I'll listen to you lecture me for however long you want--I'm just glad I'll still be able to hear it."

 

I rolled my eyes and let him lift me into his arms. "You're an idiot."

 

"I love you, too."


	23. Chapter 23

"Julia, come here, darling--Mummy needs to tie your shoes before daddy gets back."

 

Julia giggled and began running the opposite direction. Clara laughed and began chasing her down the corridor.

 

"Simon, sweetie--" I called softly.

 

His little head poked out from around the corner and I smiled and held out my arms. "Come here, my love."

 

He took one hesitant step, then another, then began running until he reached me. His little arms clung to my neck and he giggled.

 

"What are you hiding from?" I asked as I pulled his jacket over his arms.

 

"Julia," he whispered, "She's a Sontaran today and I don't want to surrender yet."

 

I smiled and lifted him into my arms. "No surrendering--Mummy's orders." I insisted theatrically and set him back on the floor, "Stay in the console room, please--we're going somewhere special as soon as daddy gets here."

 

Simon cheered and carefully made his way down the stairs, his little hands gripping the railing to keep him steady.

 

"Clara!" Juila's voice screeched between giggles, "Put me down!"

 

"I don't think I will." Clara stated as she walked back down the corridor toward me.

 

I laughed at the sight. Julia was dangling from her ankles in Clara's grip.

 

"Mummy! Help me!" she cried as she caught sight of me.

 

"Clara, what have you got there? I don't think I've ever seen one of those before." I teased.

 

Julia huffed and I began tickling her.

 

"Mummy!" she gasped between giggles, "It's me! Julia!"

 

I paused and turned my head upside down to look at her. "Julia? Oh my goodness I had no idea!"

 

I took her from Clara and righted her in my lap to tie her shoes.

 

"Where is daddy?"

 

I smiled and tapped her nose. "He's gone to get supplies for our mystery trip. Now, little one, go play with your brother. Stay in the console room, please."

 

She raced for the stairs and stumbled down them quickly, barely managing to keep from falling.

 

"Simon! Simon, I'm going to find you! Prepare to surrender! This room is under the control of the Sontaran empire!"

 

I sighed and watched her hunt for him as Clara slipped on her shoes and came to sit next to me.

 

"How long do you think he'll be?" she asked nervously.

 

"I don't know--Have you talked to Jillian?"

 

It had been such a long time since we'd seen her. She stayed with us for just over a year--learning about herself and about love and the general goodness of people--then decided she was ready to go off on her own adventure. We dropped her off on Earth in the twenty-third century almost a year ago now, and, aside from a few calls, hadn't heard from her since.

 

"I left a message for her." Clara answered quietly, "She hasn't answered any calls for a long time--it's making me nervous. What if they found her?"

 

I swallowed and shook my head. "I don't know--I'm sure she's alright." I said, trying to sound confident.

 

The TARDIS doors swung open and the Doctor strode through them. "Hi, honey, I'm home." he said with a snap of his fingers.

 

I stood and leaned on the railing as the doors shut obediently behind him. "And what sort of time do you call this?"

 

He winked at me and started for the stairs.

 

"Now, where are those two little gremlins I've been harboring on this ship?" he called.

 

I stifled a laugh as Simon and Julia giggled from their hiding places.

 

"I'm afraid they've gone, sweetie," I said mournfully, "You just weren't exciting enough, I guess."

 

He sat down on the steps and pouted. "Not exciting enough?! But, River, I was planning something for this afternoon! It was going to be the most exciting adventure of all time!"

 

I moved down the steps and sat next to him. "I know, darling--They would have been so excited for such an amazing place."

 

"A bouncy planet, River!" he emphasized, "Everything on the entire planet is bouncy!"

 

I nodded sadly. "They would have loved it--"

 

"I guess it'll just be the three of us." he sighed.

 

"Daddy, don't go without us!"

 

"Is it really a bouncy planet?!"

 

Simon and Julia jumped out from behind the sofa and tackled him.

 

"Oh! Look, River, they've come back! The gremlins I've been meaning to toss into a black hole."

 

The children looked at each other--horrified.

 

I rolled my eyes. "You'll do no such thing," I said firmly, "Those aren't gremlins, sweetie, they're children.  _Your_  children, to be exact."

 

He raised an eyebrow suspiciously at them.

 

"Mine? But that can't be right. My little darlings are named Simon and Julia."

 

"But those are  _our_  names." Simon said incredulously.

 

He laughed and hugged them. "Oh! Hello, little ones. Were you good for mummy and Clara while I was gone?"

 

"Daddy, you're being silly," Julia said, crossing her arms impatiently, "I want to go to the bouncy planet!"

 

"Me too!" Simon insisted.

 

The Doctor set them on the steps and stood, twirling once on his feet.

 

"We will! But first--" he threw a switch on the console and began pacing as we flew, "Your mummy and I want you to meet some very special people."

 

I stood and finished the flight for him while he crouched down in front of them and took their hands.

 

"Promise to be on your very best behavior?"

 

They both nodded and I landed silently, excitement and nervousness egging on my racing heart.

 

"Right--Mummy's going to go out first."

 

I turned to him, surprised. "But, sweetie--"

 

He stopped me with a grin. "We'll be here waiting when you're ready."

 

I swallowed and started for the door slowly.

 

I didn't know what to expect.

 

My hands pulled open the TARDIS door a crack and I stood frozen.

 

"River."

 

The Doctor's quiet voice next to my ear calmed me and I turned my head to look at him.

 

"Go--They're waiting."

 

I cleared my throat and nodded, holding back my tears for the moment I saw them.

 

My parents.

 

I stepped out of the TARDIS and immediately spotted my mother's bright red hair.

 

"Mum!"

 

The ground raced beneath my feet as I ran for them and, suddenly, I was home. I was in their arms--safe.

 

"Oh, God, River!"

 

Mum's voice was choked with tears.

 

"Are you alright? Are you well?"

 

I pulled back and smiled up at them through my tears. "I am--We all are--How have you been? Safe? God, I've missed you!"

 

We hugged and cried for a several more minutes before the questions finally came up.

 

"Did you get the manuscript okay?"

 

"What happened?" mum demanded suddenly, "You were  _pregnant_! River, explain to me exactly what--"

 

"Ponds!"

 

We turned to see the Doctor poking his head out of the door--quite obviously trying to keep the children from getting past.

 

"Sweetie, they're going to--"

 

I was too late.

 

Simon and Julia burst through the door from between his legs and raced toward me.

 

"Daddy and Clara are fighting again!" Julia reported as they ran.

 

"Mum, dad,--" I said quickly, "The twins. Simon and Julia."

 

Simon reached me first, on account of Julia getting distracted by a bright orange and purple flower on the side of the path.

 

"Mummy, Julia said she has to kill me if I don't surrender." he pouted.

 

I lifted him into my arms and brushed aside his floppy brown curls, momentarily leaving my parents to process while I attended to his hurt feelings. 

 

"Mummy won't let that happen, sweetheart. Remember the stories daddy tells you? Who always beats the Sontarans?" I asked with a smile.

 

His face brightened. "You and daddy!"

 

"And who is on your side?"

 

Simon clapped. "You and daddy!"

 

"That's right," I said, tapping his nose lightly.

 

He noticed my parents for the first time and his eyes grew wide.

 

"Mummy!!! That's--They're--Julia!" he shouted, "Look!!!"

 

Julia looked up from her discovery and clapped her hands.

 

"Nan and gramps! Just like mummy painted for us!"

 

My parents remained unmoving in a stunned silence.

 

Julia crashed into dad's legs and clung to him. It seemed to snap him out of it and he reached down to pick her up. Her arms immediately reattached to his neck and she giggled.

 

"You're perfect!" she said as she snuggled into the crook of his neck.

 

Simon leaped from my arms and hugged mum's neck. She blinked back her tears and held him tightly to her chest.

 

"Hello, little one." she whispered.

 

"Hi, nan!" Simon piped up cheerfully.

 

The Doctor and Clara reached us and he put an arm around my waist.

 

"Sorry, darling--I didn't mean for them to get past me." he apologized with a grin.

 

I rolled my eyes. "Then you shouldn't have opened the door at all." I teased, "It's alright, though. I think we're all alright."

 

"Lunch, anyone?" Clara asked, holding out a picnic basket and a blanket.

 

Introductions were made, more tears were shed, and we'd all been the recipients of countless embraces before we finally got to lunch. I helped Clara spread the blanket, then mum began pulling things from the basket.

 

"So how are we able to--How are  _you_  still--"

 

"Clara thought of it--You can get out with the vortex manipulator--same as I got in."

 

I began cutting two sandwiches into four pieces each and reached for Simon before his finger could reach the icing on our dessert.

 

"Lunch first, sweetie." I said firmly as I set his plate in front of him.

 

He pouted for a moment, then gave in and began eating his sandwich.

 

"Then why haven't you come to us?"

 

"It's too risky for us to come to you--and it's risky for you to come to us as well. Using the vortex manipulator will get you through, but each time you use it, the gap closes a little more. And I was pregnant when I finished the manuscript. It wasn't a good idea."

 

"Julia?" I called, glancing around. I spotted her a few feet away playing with a little butterfly. "Julia, it's time for lunch now--You can play more when you're finished."

 

"Yes, mummy."

 

"So what exactly happened?"

 

"Well, see what happened was--" I began, but the Doctor rested his hand on mine and I stopped.

 

"She gave her life to save me and her team--and many others who'd been trapped for a long while." he said guiltily, "I'd been on my own in the vortex for a while--Then one day--she came to the TARDIS and told me she was pregnant. I didn't take it as well as I should have--It was just after Manhattan."

 

My mum's eyes went wide and she glared at me furiously. " _Just after_ Manhattan?! River, you can't mean--we could have been--"

 

She stopped sadly and I reached for her hand. "He promised me we would be safe. It's called marriage." I smiled at her.

 

"But you used the vortex manipulator! I thought you said--"

 

"I did what I had to do, and I paid the price--believe me, if there had been another way, I would have taken it."

The Doctor nodded. "When she told me, I didn't want to believe it was true. I couldn't believe it was happening--It should have been close to the time she left to die and I couldn't help but blame myself."

 

I wiped the jam from Simon's face and kissed his head. "The truth was, he'd already saved me from the data core where I died. I wasn't pregnant when I went, but when I got back to him, he wanted a baby and I couldn't--It took me a while to work up the nerve, but in the end, he won."

 

"Then Jil--Madam Kovarian kidnapped her," the Doctor said, "She--Well, she let me in to visit and River was fine, except she was starting to have these terrible episodes of pain--which wouldn't have hurt so much as tickled had she been full Timelord."

 

"Hold on." dad interrupted, "She's not full Timelord and you need to be full Timelord to have a Timlord baby  _and you let River--_ "

 

"No, dad, it's not like that," I said quickly, "He didn't know it would happen, just me. I knew and I did it anyway."

 

Dad looked confused. "Why?"

 

I reached for the Doctor's hand and leaned into his chest. "Because we wanted it more than anything."

 

"Well, anyway--Clara and I snuck River out with Kovarian's help and--"

 

Mum choked on her food and began coughing. "Her  _help_?"

 

I tried to imagine how much of a stretch it was for mum to think of Kovarian as helpful. "Remember what they did to me--When I was a baby and growing up. All the brainwashing and things--They did the exact same to Jillian, but she was starting to unravel. She let us go, then when I found out the whole story, we went and rescued her in return."

 

"So, let me get this strait," dad said, setting down his wine glass, "She was taken as a baby and brainwashed to do the same thing to you?"

 

I nodded.

 

"But it didn't work for her either?"

 

I sighed. "It did--for years, actually. But she must have seen something when I was there that made her start to question. That's how it all starts--Someone says or does something you've been taught to hate your whole life and you start to think, then your reasoning and justifications begin to make less sense--you don't know why you do the things you do anymore and everything starts falling to pieces. Jillian is a  _genuinely_  nice person underneath all the brainwashing. She was breaking and they would have killed her if they'd found out."

 

The Doctor nodded. "She stayed with us on the TARDIS with the children and Clara for a while while she relearned her nature--Even saved some pygmies from a corrupted president on Jupiter--"  


 

"She's on her own now, though," I said with a smile, "She's her own person and she's safe."

 

Clara coughed and I knew it was meant for me. I ignored her.

 

We continued to visit and catch up as the afternoon sun began to sink low in the sky. Simon, obviously warn out from playing chase with Julia, dad, and the Doctor, stumbled into my lap and curled up in my arms with a yawn.

 

"All finished playing, sweet boy?" I whispered, brushing a curl out of his eyes. He nodded and his eyes drooped heavily. "That's alright--Mummy's got you."

 

I began rocking him back and forth in my arms and running my fingernails through his hair, humming softly as he shut his eyes and his breathing grew heavy.

 

I heard a sniffle from across the blanket and started from my thoughts. Mum was watching me with tears running down her face. She smiled at me and wiped her cheek on the end of her sleeve.

 

"You're really great at that." she said softly, "Are you happy, River?"

 

I smiled and nodded. "So happy--I can't imagine being any more happy than this, right now--with you and dad--"

 

"Mummy, I'm tired."

 

I turned as Julia came to stand next to me, shoulders slouched in exhaustion. I raised a hand to her cheek and smiled. "That's alright, darling--Maybe Nan can help you out, hmm?"

 

Julia's face brightened and she looked toward mum hopefully. Mum looked surprised, but smiled and held out her arms and gathered her close.

 

"I love you, nan," Julia sighed as she began to drift off.

 

Mum smiled down at her and ran her finger down Julia's nose gently. "I love you, too, little one."

 

I swallowed the lump in my throat and took a look around at everything I had in front of me. My dad and husband chatting casually a few yards away--Clara--Sweet, wonderful, brilliant Clara--My mum with her infectious laugh and bright smile--and my two precious babies. There couldn't be a word glorious enough to describe the feeling of it all--and there would never be one in all of time and space. No matter where or when I ended up, I could never be able to capture the essence of this moment in one word.

 

I considered the implications--Words are just words if you use them too much, aren't they? Then why would I even want a word to describe something so precious and dear to me?

 

The answer is simple.

 

I wouldn't.


	24. Something That Didn't Really Fit Anywhere--But Have It Anyway

"You've made a mistake Madam," a cold voice hissed and a slap echoed toward our hiding place around the corner.

 

"Shhhh," I hushed the children softly as I pulled my blaster out of it's holster and poked my head slowly around the corner.

 

Seeing my chance, I quickly ducked and rolled, firing several shots as I went and felling just as many guards.

 

"River?" Jillian asked, surprised to see me after all this time. I winked at her and took out the rest of her captors and aimed a final charge at the large man who was obviously in charge.

 

"You didn't think we'd just let you off on your own and never come back, did you?" I laughed as I took a step toward the man, "Julia, Simon--Could you come untie Auntie Jillian for mummy?"

 

Julia copied my roll and held the index finger and thumb of each small hand like a gun. She looked to each side of her, then up at the ceiling, and ran toward the chair Jillian was sitting as she shouted "Simon! Cover me!"

 

I laughed and focused my attention back on the man. He watched me nervously and swallowed as I took three steps toward him.

 

"Who else knows?" I demanded.

 

The sweat on his brow shone as he shook his head and held his hands up. "No one! I swear to you!"

 

I gave him a tight-lipped smile. "Darlings, mummy has to shoot this man."

 

"Yes, mummy," they chorused and I knew they'd both turned their backs and covered their ears.

 

His body hit the ground and I holstered my gun and rushed back to them. They were standing beside Jillian's chair with their fingers in their ears.

 

I gathered them into my arms and kissed each of them with a smile. "Well done, sweeties," I said, "Let's finish the job."

 

Simon let out a  _whoop!_  and Julia clapped as I cut through the remainder of Jillian's ropes and helped her to her feet.

 

"Back to base!" Julia shouted, rushing for the TARDIS.

 

"And fish custard sundays!" Simon cheered, following after his sister excitedly.

 

I laughed and pulled Jillian toward the doors. "Thank you," she said gratefully as we stepped on board.

 

The Doctor looked up at us and gave us the thumbs up as he threw us into the time vortex. "All soldiers present and accounted for?"

 

I nodded and kissed his cheek as we all headed for the kitchen.

 

"Mission accomplished."


End file.
